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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many children today are overweight. This is a serious health issue. Give the reasons for this health problem and give solutions to fix it.

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Nowadays, obesity has become a very common issue .Some people think that the main
reason
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 is the unhealthy
food
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.
while
Linking Words
 others
thing
Use the right word
think
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 that the main
reason
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 is their lazy routine and
setting
Verb problem
sitting
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 at their houses without any sport to do.In my opinion, to avoid
obesity
Punctuation problem
obesity,
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 you need to eat healthy
food
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 and exercise daily. Many people believe that there
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 not just
a
Correct article usage
one
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reason
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 that
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
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children
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 overweight
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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 many reasons.
First,
Linking Words
some people think that fast
food
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are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 the main
reason
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.
For
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example
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, fast
food
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 has a
lot
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 of calories that make
children
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gain
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weight
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 really fast.
For
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example
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, A research in
United
Correct article usage
the United
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 Kingdom in 2007 showed that 72% of
children
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gain
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weight
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 because of eating fast
food
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.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
setting
Verb problem
sitting
show examples
 on your bed without any exercise or any training to do
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
children
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gain
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weight
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.
For
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example
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, when
children
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 are not training
enough
Punctuation problem
,
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 the calories and the fat don't burn at all.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
children
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 will become
more lazy and
Correct word order
lazier and more
show examples
powerless even in their daily routine.
In addition
Linking Words
, eating a huge amount of sugar every
day
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make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
children
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gain
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weight
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.
For
Linking Words
example
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, eating a
lot
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 of candy,pasta and soda every
day
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.
In addition
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, eating a
lot
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 of fruits more than the
children
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 need makes them
gain
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weight
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. There is no problem without a solution
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
this
Linking Words
 earth. Many
resarches
Correct your spelling
studies
 said that you can make the
children
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 stay fit by eating healthy
food
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.
For
Linking Words
example
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, eating vegetables, fruits
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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food
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 full of
protiene
Correct your spelling
protein
 and healthy oil make chilren don't
gain
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weight
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 fast.
Moreover
Linking Words
, healthy
food
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 makes the
children
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 more active every
day
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.
Also
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, it is important to train daily
at
Change preposition
for at
show examples
 least
for
Change preposition
apply
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an hour.
For
Linking Words
example
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,
childern
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children
 who have a sport and train every
day
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 lose more
weight
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 and
always
Verb problem
are always
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 fit.In
adddition
Correct your spelling
addition
, they can eat more meals and lose more
weight
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.
Finally
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, if your child is already overweight
Punctuation problem
,
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a diet can be the best idea. For
exmple
Correct your spelling
example
, eating
food
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 with
less
Correct determiner usage
fewer
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 calories that contains a
lot
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 of good ingredients.
Also
Linking Words
, a diet can save
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children
Check wording
children's
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 lives and health.
To sum up
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, I think the parents should be more careful about what their
children
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 and what they should eat and what they should avoid.
Moreover
Linking Words
, they
shoud
Correct your spelling
should
 give a chance for their
children
Use synonyms
 to explore their favourite sport and exercise daily.

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Task response
Score: 5. Your ideas are on topic, but some are not fully clear or correct. For example, fruit is usually healthy, so do not say that eating fruit is a main cause of being overweight. Say that too much sugar, snacks, and sweet drinks are a problem.
Task response
Give stronger solutions. Talk about what parents and schools can do: make healthy meals, limit sweet drinks, give children time to play outside, and teach them about food.
Task response
Some examples are too general or repeated. You use “For example” many times. Use one clear example for each main point, then explain how it helps.
Task response
Be careful with facts. The UK study is not explained well. If you are not sure, do not use a number. A clear everyday example is better.
Coherence and cohesion
Score: 5. Put one main idea in each paragraph. Paragraph 2 has too many causes: fast food, no sport, sugar, candy, pasta, soda, and fruit. Split these into two clear groups: unhealthy food and too little activity.
Coherence and cohesion
Do not start many sentences with “For example” or “Moreover”. This makes the writing feel repeated. Use simple links such as “Also”, “As a result”, and “Because of this”.
Coherence and cohesion
Make the start more direct. Say that child weight is a serious problem, then state that the essay will discuss causes and solutions.
Coherence and cohesion
Your last paragraph is clear, but the first line is not complete: “what their children and what they should eat”. Write: “Parents should be careful about what their children eat and what they should avoid.”
Task response
You answer both parts: reasons and ways to help. Your main idea is clear: healthy food and daily exercise can help.
Task response
You give some useful reasons, such as fast food, sugar, and not doing sport.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending.
Coherence and cohesion
You use linking words such as “First”, “Moreover”, “Also”, “Finally”, and “To sum up”.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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