IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many children today are overweight. This is a serious health issue. Give the reasons for this health problem and give solutions to fix it.

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Introduction
Society is very different today, and that includes the eating habits of
children
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. Many
children
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 today are overweight.
This
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 is a serious problem which affects their health.
This
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 essay will examine the reasons for
this
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 health problem and give solutions to fix it.
Body paragraph 1
Today, there are multiple reasons why many
children
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 suffer from obesity.
First,
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a recent UK study identified fast food as the main reason for
this
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 problem.Fast food contains fat and is high in calories.
Also
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, it is readily available, inexpensive, and it is easy to access.
Second,
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many
children
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 do not exercise enough.
Children
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 play video games , which makes them inactive
,
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apply
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 and does not burn calories. They
also
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 do not participate in
have
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any sports or hobbies that they love.
Finally
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, eating so much sugar causes obesity , too.Many
children
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 eat candies and sweets every day.
As a result
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,they become overweight and lazy.
Body paragraph 2
However
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, there are many solutions for overweight
children
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.
First,
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eating healthy food will help them to lose
weight
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.
In addition
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,
children
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 will be more active.
As a result
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 , the parents should encourage their
children
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 to eat healthily.
Second,
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children
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 should exercise for at least an hour daily.They should walk and run every day.
Moreover
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, having a favourite sport will encourage them to train.
Finally
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, to lose
weight
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, they should try to remove sugar.
As a result
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,
children
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 should eat fruits like apples and bananas
instead
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. To lose
weight
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.Parents should encourage their
children
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 to lose
weight
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
it is clear that
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 child obesity is
due to
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 multiple reasons.
However
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, there are many smart solutions to help
children
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 become healthy.

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overall score
Score: 6. This is a clear answer with a good plan. To get 7, explain each main point more fully and avoid saying the same idea again.
task response
Give more detail about why each cause leads to weight gain. For example, say that fast food has a lot of fat and sugar, so children take in more energy than they use.
task response
Make the solutions more direct. For example, parents can cook more meals at home, schools can give healthy food, and families can limit sweet drinks.
task response
Do not repeat the same point. You say parents should help children lose weight two times near the end. Use that space for one new idea.
task response
Use a more real example. Instead of only naming apples and bananas, explain how changing a sweet drink for water each day can help.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. In the first body part, fast food, games, and sugar are all causes, but each one needs a little more support.
coherence and cohesion
Some links are not right. For example: 'As a result, the parents should encourage...' This is a solution, not a result. Use 'Therefore' or start a new sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid very short sentences in a row, such as 'They should walk and run every day. Moreover...' Join ideas when they are closely linked.
coherence and cohesion
Check small spacing and sentence breaks: 'problem.Fast', 'day.As', and 'obesity , too.Many'. These make the writing less smooth.
task response
You answer both parts of the question: reasons and ways to help. Your main ideas are clear: fast food, less exercise, and too much sugar.
task response
Your ideas are on topic. The food and exercise points are useful and easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an end. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
You use simple linking words, such as First, Second, Finally, However, and In conclusion. These help show the order of your ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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