IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3

Some people argue that primary schools focus too much on formal learning.

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Some folk believe that primary schools concentrate excessively on formal learning .
While
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 some people argued that considering playing as important as learning for
childern
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children
 in the primary schools . I completely agree with
this
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 view because making the environment
fun
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 in the classrooms can help to encourage
children
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 to
performe
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perform
 better .  On the one hand,
fun
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environmental
Replace the word
environments
 enhance
children
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 performence.
Children
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 love to learn and
performe
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perform
 well by
fun
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activites
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activities
 rather than strict formal learning
,
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. For
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for instance
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, we can change whatever
want
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we want
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to
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apply
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them to learn in formal
to
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learning to
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 put it in enjoyment activity, like
,
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apply
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 creating structure opprotunities in the classroom to make them apply what they learn without feeling it is formal learning .
On the other hand
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, encouraging
children
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 to love the
school
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 by not
make
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making
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 it
overwhelmed
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overwhelming
. Once
children
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 feel
relifed
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relieved
 and not
in
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under
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pressure
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pressure,
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 they might be excited to go to
school
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 every day, which
is probably will revers
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will probably lead
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 to
thier
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their
 psychological
emotion
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emotions
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 and
consequently
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 be able to perceive better.
For example
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, associate
good
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a good
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 atmosphere
no
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, no
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 pressures and
recive
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receive
 the learning with informal way can make going to
the
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apply
show examples
school
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is
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apply
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the best part
in
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of
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 the day. In
conculsion
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conclusion
,
although
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 focusing too much on formal learning might have benefits, I believe that
fun
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environmental
Replace the word
environments
 can enhance
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children
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children's
show examples
 performance
as well as
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 encouraging chidren to love going to
school
Use synonyms
 .

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task response
Score: 5. Your main view is clear, but the first line is not fully clear. Say clearly that schools should give less time to formal lessons and more time to play-based learning.
task response
Make each reason more full. Explain how a game, group task, or class activity helps children learn a subject, not only that it is fun.
task response
Your examples are too general. Use one clear example, such as learning maths by using blocks or learning words through a class game.
task response
Do not say that children should have no pressure at all. A better point is that formal learning and play should be kept in balance.
coherence and cohesion
Score: 5. The order of ideas is easy to follow, but some sentences are hard to follow because they are very long and unclear.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body part with one simple main idea. Then add an explanation and one example. This will make your writing easier to read.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. For example: “First”, “Also”, “As a result”, and “For this reason”.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “fun environment” many times. You can also say “a relaxed class”, “play-based learning”, or “learning through games”.
task response
You give a clear view: play and fun learning are important in primary school.
task response
You give two main reasons: fun can help children learn better, and it can help them like school.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use basic linking words, such as “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, “For example”, and “In conclusion”.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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