In many societies, there is a growing emphasis in individualism, with people prioritizing their personal goals and desires over collective interest. Is this is a positive or negative development?

Some
people
are convinced that their individual goal is more vital than the aim of the whole team.
This
is caused by the statement of the new society, where compared with teamwork, personal task achievements are highly rewarded.
However
, these change leads to adverse improvement in society, because projects from a global perspective can not be done by one human and group work will always show significant effectiveness. First and foremost, the emphasis on personal aims prevents global problems from being solved. Worldwide issues can not be tackled easily, because they require knowledge from disparate fields;
therefore
, more than one individual must be participated in
such
problem solutions.
For instance
, climate change affects all countries over the world. In order to prevent the rising of the temperature, the data from different areas of the Earth should be collected and the groups of scientists must cooperate and think about the solution.
Secondly
, collective working leads to much more effective results, compared with ones, those done by individuals.
This
is caused by the reason that when
people
discuss about problem, they reveal the hidden parts of the puzzle through comparing different views.
Such
discussions often provide new ideas and practical solutions.
For example
, the most significant breakthroughs in science are made by groups of two or more
people
like Irene Curie and her husband, who won the Nobel prize for creating radioactive elements. In conclusion, pursuing personal aims by
people
, results in an inability to handle global issues and deal with obstacles productively.
Submitted by zhadyra.serikbayeva2016 on

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coherence cohesion
Overall, your argument is clear, but some sentences are too long making it difficult to follow the thoughts. Try to use more conjunctions and varied sentence structures to make your essay more readable.
task achievement
Your opinions are clearly expressed and the introduction and conclusion are present and well structured. However, they could be more engaging and specific. Make sure your conclusion succinctly summarizes the major points you've made without simply duplicating the wording of your arguments.
task achievement
You need to develop your ideas more thoroughly for a better task response. While you provide valid points, more clarity and precision in the communication of your ideas would improve your argument. Take time to fully explain disparate points or arguments.
task achievement
Good use of specific examples to support your points. Remember though that examples should be clearly linked to your arguments and elaborated on to show how they specifically support your points.

Your opinion

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