IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

As well as making money, businesses also have a responsibility towards society. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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It is often argued that business is fundamental but still
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 a responsibility towards
society
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
 I acknowledge that making money is essential, I firmly believe that
society
Use synonyms
 needes came first.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss why I totally agree with
statement
Correct article usage
the statement
show examples
. First and foremost, more and more companies put their interest against
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
society
Use synonyms
's
needes
Correct your spelling
needs
. One of the most clear example are the food companies. For
years
Punctuation problem
years,
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 some
agency
Fix the agreement mistake
agencies,
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such
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 as
McDonald
Check wording
McDonald's
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 or
others
Correct determiner usage
other
show examples
 fast food
,
Check wording
agencies, wasn't
show examples
wasn't
Correct subject-verb agreement
weren't
show examples
 clear about the ingredients of their meals.
As a result
Linking Words
, more and more adults
ate
Wrong verb form
eat
show examples
 a
lots
Fix the agreement mistake
lot
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 of junk food
unaware
Punctuation problem
, unaware
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about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the consequences.
Moreover
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,
lot
Correct article usage
a lot
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 of them died
due to
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 obesity or other
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
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such
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 as
diabet
Correct your spelling
diabetes
.
In addition
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 to
this
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, the sellers have a responsibility to inform the
costumers
Use the right word
customers
show examples
 and prevent
hypotetic
Correct your spelling
hypothetical
 disease. The people
doesen't
Correct your spelling
don't
 have the basic knowladge for understand if one product can be dangerous. For that reason, more European countries
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 made strict rules about
this
Linking Words
phenom
Correct your spelling
phenomenon
. For
intsance
Correct your spelling
instance
,
from
Change preposition
since
show examples
 2000,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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cigarettes
has must
Wrong verb form
have had to
show examples
 be
selled
Correct your spelling
sold
 with
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 clear statement on the consequences.
Consequently
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, the companies can sell their products
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 at the same time they need to inform the
citizien
Correct your spelling
citizens
.  In conclusion, despite some people
argue
Wrong verb form
arguing
show examples
 that making money is crucial for the economy, I strongly believe that
society
Use synonyms
 should be informed about causes, risks and
effect
Check wording
effects
show examples
. In
this
Linking Words
way
Add a comma
way,
show examples
 they can choose wisely
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 only if they want, they can take the risks.

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task response
You give a clear view: businesses should put people first. But the answer is not fully developed. Explain more clearly why this is a duty, not only a good choice. Add one more main point, such as jobs, tax, or care for the earth.
task response
Your examples are on topic, but they need more care. Do not say that many people died because of fast food unless you can show this. Say that junk food can lead to poor health. Also explain how each example proves your main view.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an end. This is good. However, some links are not clear, such as 'more and more companies put their interest against to society's needs.' Use short, direct topic lines at the start of each body part.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. 'First and foremost' and 'In addition to this' are fine, but the second body part moves from food to sellers and then to cigarettes very fast. Keep one main idea in each part and show the link between ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because of word and grammar errors. Write shorter sentences. For example: 'Businesses should tell customers about possible health risks. This helps people make safe choices.'
task response
Your opinion is clear from the start and stays the same to the end.
task response
You use real examples, such as fast food and cigarettes, to support your view.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part shape: start, two main parts, and end.
coherence and cohesion
The end returns to your main idea and gives a clear final message.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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