IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some think that developing a successful career is more important than spending time with family and friends, while others disagree. Discuss both views and give our own opinion.

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Nowadays,
people
Use synonyms
 live in a fast-paced
life
Use synonyms
 in our world, because of
hustling
Correct article usage
a hustling
show examples
 and bustling
Use synonyms
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
 in metropolitan cities.
This
Linking Words
Use synonyms
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
 has created a hustle-culture in our current working environment.
For
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 reason,
large
Correct article usage
a large
show examples
 proportion of
people
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 think building a
succesful
Correct your spelling
successful
career
Use synonyms
 is more essential than hanging out with their
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
dearest and nearest;
remaining
Correct article usage
the remaining
show examples
 part of
people
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 give more importance to their social
life
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.
Firtly
Correct your spelling
Firstly
, working culture has changed significantly over the
last
Linking Words
 10 years.
People
Use synonyms
 used to be more social and talkative
while
Linking Words
 spending
time
Use synonyms
 with their
friends
Use synonyms
 and colleagues in the businesses and their
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
neighbourhoods as well.
However
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 situation changed drammatically and the pace of
life
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 has become faster and
more lonely
Replace the word
lonelier
 each passing year, as everyone has begun to focusing their own lives in order to become more successful.
For instance
Linking Words
, I had been hanging out with my
friends
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 and
families every week, before
Correct word order
family every week, before I
show examples
 started university. Nowadays, I spend most of my
time
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 in my room studying
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 it really
effect
Use the right word
affects
show examples
 my
career
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 in a good way,
although
Linking Words
 I don't like sacrificing
my
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 that I should spend with families and
friends
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.
In contrast
Linking Words
, despite
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the importance of a successful
career
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, friendships and family relationships are
very
Rephrase
apply
show examples
essential for
human's
Check wording
humans'
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 social needs.
The
Correct determiner usage
Life
show examples
life
Use synonyms
 is short
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 we may not find
good
Correct article usage
the good
show examples
 times which we spend with our
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
nearest and dearest
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 in the future. When we
became
Wrong verb form
become
show examples
 successful, there should be some
people
Use synonyms
 who support us with their
heart
Fix the agreement mistake
hearts
show examples
.
Consequently
Linking Words
,
people
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 should find the balance between
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
social
life
Use synonyms
 and their
career
Use synonyms
 goals. To be successful and
achive
Correct your spelling
achieve
 your goals, some social activities need to be sacrificed sometimes,
whereas
Linking Words
necessity
Correct article usage
the necessity
show examples
 of spending
time
Use synonyms
 with family and
friends
Use synonyms
 can't be neglected.

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overall score
Estimated score: 5. Your ideas answer the question, but they need more clear support and more careful language.
task response
Give fuller reasons for each side. Explain why a career may be important, such as money, safety, and future work. Then explain why family and friends are important, such as love, help, and good health.
task response
Make your opinion more direct in the first part and the ending. For example: “In my view, work is important, but family and friends should not be left behind.”
task response
Your example is useful, but it needs more detail. Say how studying helps your future job and how less time with family affects you.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each body part. The first body part should only explain the career view. The second should only explain the family and friends view.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple links more carefully. For example: “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, “For example”, and “In my view”.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because they are too long or not complete. Use shorter sentences with a clear subject and verb.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “life style”, “successful”, and “spend time”. Use simple different words, such as “daily life”, “work goals”, and “be with family”.
task response
You talk about both views and give your own view: people should find a balance.
task response
Your own study example is clear and linked to the main idea.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “However”, “For instance”, “In contrast”, and “Consequently” help the reader follow your ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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