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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many children today are overweight. This is a serious health issue. Give reasons for child obesity and give solutions to fix this problem.

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Nowadays, a
lot
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 of
children
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 have
problems
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 with being overweight.
This
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 is a big
health
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 issue, which increases different
type
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types
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 of
health
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problems
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such
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 as
,
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apply
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 diabetes, heart disease, and hepatitis later in life.
This
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 problem is mainly caused by
,
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apply
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 unhealthy
food
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 and lack of physical activity.
Therefore
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, families,
schools
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 and governments should control the
limit
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consumption
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 of junk
food
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 and encourage them to do sports. One major problem is that a
lot
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 of
children
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 are
obesity
Replace the word
obese
 and they suffer from it.
For instance
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,
in
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apply
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these days,
children
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 are eating junk
food
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, crisps and sugary drinks
instead
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 of home-made
food
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, and the reason for
this
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 is that these kinds of products are well-advertised.
As a result
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,
children
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 get more calories than their bodies need.
In addition
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, there are several solutions for these kinds of
problems
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,
such
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 as
,
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apply
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 parents should limit fast
food
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 for their
children
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 and make meals at home
with
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that are
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 full of vitamins. Another important reason is that
,
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apply
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 people are becoming less physically
activity
Replace the word
active
.
For example
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,
children
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 spend a
lot
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 of time on social media, online games and TV series
instead
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 of hanging with friends or spending time outdoors, so
this
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 kind of sedentary lifestyle can result in serious
health
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problems
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.
This
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 lifestyle may change their common life and improve their
health
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.
In addition
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,
schools
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, governments and parents should force them to do sport, eat healthy
food
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 and spend most of their time outdoors.
As a result
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, if
schools
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 increase sports lessons and outdoor classes, a
lot
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 of students may lose their overweight and become
more
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apply
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healthier. In conclusion, obesity in
children
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 is a large
health
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 issue
,
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apply
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 that can lead to various types of
problems
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 and
also
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 reduce their opportunities in the future
,
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.
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 I believe that
this
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 issue can be solved if parents look after their
children
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 and focus on their
children
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’s
health
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.
Although
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,
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apply
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 the government should provide outdoor facilities for
schools
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Overall score: 5. Your ideas are on the topic, but some parts need to be clearer and more fully explained.
task response
Explain each reason more. For example, say why adverts make children eat more junk food, and why screen time means less movement.
task response
Make the solutions more clear. Parents can make healthy meals; schools can give more sport time; the government can limit junk-food ads and build safe play areas.
task response
Do not say parents or schools should “force” children. Use “encourage”, “help”, or “give chances” instead.
task response
Some ideas are not clear or do not fit. For example, “This lifestyle may change their common life and improve their health” does not show a clear meaning.
coherence and cohesion
Use one clear plan: paragraph 1 for food, paragraph 2 for low activity. In each paragraph, give the reason, the result, and the answer.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences repeat the same idea. For example, “One major problem is that a lot of children are obesity and they suffer from it.” Start with the cause instead: “One main cause is unhealthy food.”
coherence and cohesion
Make links between ideas more exact. “In addition” is used when you move from a reason to a solution. Use “To solve this problem” or “One way to help is” instead.
coherence and cohesion
Your last paragraph gives a good ending, but it should sum up both causes and both answers in a short, clear way.
task response
You answer both parts: reasons and ways to solve the problem.
task response
You give clear main ideas: junk food and little sport.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two main parts, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words such as “For instance”, “As a result”, and “In addition”.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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