IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some think that developing a successful career is more important than spending time with family and friends, while others disagree. Discuss both views and give our own opinion.

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It is often argued that spending time with people whom we love is less crucial than being successful in a career.
While
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 some people agree with
this
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 idea, others believe
this
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 is not an acceptable approach.
This
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 essay will discuss both sides of the argument and explain why I support the second view. There are several reasons why some people agree with
this
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 idea. One of the main reasons is that career development plays a significant role in the financial situation of households.
This
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 means that a better job position offers a higher salary, which can have a positive impact on the household’s living standards. Another important point is that being successful in a career gives individuals a sense of self-confidence.
This
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 is particularly beneficial because it can improve their mental well-being.
For Example
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, a person who is promoted to a higher position at work usually has a better perspective on their abilities and skills.
On the other hand
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, some individuals disagree with
this
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 approach. One major reason for
this
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 is that spending quality time with family and friends can reduce anxiety levels, which can positively affect individuals’ mental health and productivity.
In addition
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, a better life-work balance is another important factor. If
this
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 view is accepted, it is likely to lead to an improvement in life satisfaction.
For instance
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, a person who has good communication with his friends and family
due to
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 spending quality time with them,
as well as
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 being relatively successful at work, may have higher satisfaction with his life. In conclusion, both sides of the argument have valid reasons.
However
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, I believe that the second view is more convincing
due to
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 factors
such
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 as anxiety reduction and higher life satisfaction.

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task response
Score: 7. Your answer fully answers the question, but some ideas need more detail. For example, explain why more money may be worth less if a person has no time for close people.
task response
Make your own view stronger. Say clearly that career success is important, but time with family and friends should not be given up. This gives a more balanced and full answer.
task response
Your examples are useful, but they are a little general. Add one more clear detail, such as a worker who earns more but feels alone, tired, or sad because they never see family.
coherence and cohesion
Score: 7. The order of ideas is clear. However, some points repeat the same idea. Try to build each paragraph in this order: main point, why it is true, result, and example.
coherence and cohesion
Use fewer set phrases like “One major reason” and “Another important point”. They are correct, but too many can make the writing sound the same. You can also use simple links such as “Also”, “As a result”, and “Because of this”.
coherence and cohesion
Check small form issues: write “For example”, not “For Example”; write “work-life balance”, not “life-work balance”; remove extra spaces in “has good” and “may have higher”.
task response
You discuss both views and give your own view clearly. Your view stays the same from the start to the end.
task response
Your main points are on-topic: money and work success on one side, and health and life happiness on the other.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part form: opening, first view, second view, and ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear links such as “On the other hand”, “In addition”, and “For instance” to guide the reader.
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