IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that competition at work, at school and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Many critics believe that having a competitive environment at the company and at the education councils is beneficial,
while
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 others argue that working with each other and being
freindly
Correct your spelling
friendly
 can provide a healthy place for learning or working .
In
Change preposition
From
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 my perspective, I reckon that healthy
competing
Replace the word
competition
 is an essential part
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 our
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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. On the one hand, some
people
Use synonyms
 think that competition is the best way to rise the production. To elaborate,
people
Use synonyms
 will compete with their
coulegess
Correct your spelling
colleagues
 to make an evidance for their employer that they can do their works fastly and perfectly.
Thus
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 , they will prove their
determention
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determination
 and their performance. One example
that
Verb problem
is that
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 students mostly try their best to be
in
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on
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 the
honor
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honour
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 list and in the first rank to have a
stronge
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strong
 scholarship and to apply for the university.
In addition
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, they
On the other hand
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, some
people
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 suggest that cooperating is the key
of
Change preposition
to
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 having a kind environment. To
illustarte
Correct your spelling
illustrate
,
people
Use synonyms
 who are working in a company need to seek help from other employees because being in a group or a team can enhance and improve the worker abillity in different aspects
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such
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, such
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 as
criticel
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critical
 thinking and solving problems.
For instance
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, football players win the match because of
collabration
Correct your spelling
collaboration
, sportsmanship and team spirit.
To sum up
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, I think that competition can improve our community
,
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apply
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if they compete without causing any harmful effects for others.
Also
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, everything has a bright and a dark side
so
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, so
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 we should balance to avoid the damage.

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task response
Score: 5. Your main ideas are clear, but they need more detail. Explain more fully how competition helps people, and also explain the bad side of competition. For example, too much competition can make workers stressed or less willing to help others.
task response
One idea is not finished: “In addition, they”. Finish every point before starting a new paragraph. This is very important because an unfinished idea makes the answer feel incomplete.
task response
Your opinion says that healthy competition is important, but your end says we should balance both sides. Make this clearer: say that competition is good when it is fair, but working together is needed for group work and daily life.
coherence and cohesion
Score: 5. Keep one clear main idea in each body paragraph. In the first body paragraph, start with a topic sentence, explain it, give one example, and end the point. Do the same in the second body paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Some links are not smooth. For example, after the student example, the sentence stops. Also, “Thus” is not needed there. Use simple links only when they show a clear relation: “because”, “so”, “however”, and “for example”.
coherence and cohesion
Check the flow of the first paragraph. “At the company and at the education councils” is not very clear. Use the words in the question: “at work, at school, and in daily life”.
task response
You discuss both sides: competition and working together. You also give your own view in the start and the end.
task response
Your examples about students and football are on the topic and easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part plan: start, competition, working together, and end.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words well, such as “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, “For instance”, and “To sum up”.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • innovation
  • productivity
  • excel
  • outperform
  • advancements
  • academic standards
  • work ethic
  • stress
  • anxiety
  • unhealthy rivalries
  • harmonious
  • supportive
  • collaborative learning
  • social skills
  • communication skills
  • sense of community
  • collective goals
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