IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Some people say that the governments should pay for health care and education but others think that this is not the government’s responsibility. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

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Is the health
care
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 and
education
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 important? Many people believe that the
government
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 should financially support medical
concern
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concerns
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 and
education
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,
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.
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However
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, some argue that it's not the state's responsibility to help in
this
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 matter.
Linking Words
This
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In this
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 essay
I
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, I
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will explain both views as I think they should give help to their citizens. Medical
care
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 and knowledge are the most essential bones in every modern country
,
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.
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 By providing them, the foundation of the country will be strong.
Moreover
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, giving support with learning, especially
schools
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through schools
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 and universities scholarship
government
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 will receive more benefits in the end.
For example
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, comparing two countries, Japan and Africa, Japan spent a lot of money on knowledge ,
for that
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and as a result
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they
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, they
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 developed in science, medical
care
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 and many other fields,
while
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 Africa didn't focus on that and they fell behind. On another hand, some people think
that is
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 not the
government
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 responsibility,
according to
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 them, they feel everyone should own
this
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 burden by helping themselves in medical
care
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 and higher
education
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, so they need to work hard, they believe that anything come easy can go easy, In instance, many of how recived higher
education
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 they don't deserve it, for that reason they believe everyone should be for that. In conclusion, I completely oppose
that
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apply
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the
government
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should provide
Wrong verb form
providing
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 help in medical
care
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,
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apply
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 and teaching to every individual
,
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apply
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 to build a strong foundation that will help in every aspect in the future.

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task response
Overall score: 5. Your main view is clear, but some ideas are too short or not fully explained. Say more about why free or low-cost health care helps poor people and why education helps the whole country.
task response
The second view needs a stronger and fairer explanation. Explain that some people think people should pay because state money comes from taxes, and rich people may be able to pay for private care and study.
task response
Your Japan and Africa example is too wide and may not be true for all of Africa. Use a safer example, such as a poor family that cannot pay for a doctor or school fees.
task response
Your last paragraph says “I completely oppose that the government should provide help”. This has the wrong meaning. You mean: “I completely agree that the government should provide help.”
coherence and cohesion
Make each body paragraph follow one clear order: main idea, reason, example, result. This will make your ideas easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer links between sentences. For example: “First,” “As a result,” “On the other hand,” and “Therefore.” Do not join many full ideas with commas.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to understand because the word order is not clear. For example, change “Medical care and knowledge are the most essential bones” to “Health care and education are basic parts of a modern country.”
coherence and cohesion
Avoid unclear words such as “this matter”, “that”, and “it” when the reader may not know what they mean. Repeat key words like “health care”, “education”, and “government support” when needed.
task response
You discuss both sides and give a clear view: the state should help people with health care and education.
task response
You use an example about Japan and Africa to show why money for education can help a country.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear beginning, two main body parts, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words, such as “However”, “Moreover”, “For example”, and “In conclusion”.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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