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Writing Samples
Band 3

The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree ?

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In recent years,
due to
Linking Words
 the digital world,
obesity
Use synonyms
 has been increasing. It puts more pressure on
healthcare
Correct article usage
the healthcare
show examples
 system to treat
this
Linking Words
.So,Physical activity awareness should be incorporated in schools to reduce issues.I strongly agree with the statement because school is the primary platform to learn about physical activity.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,introducing physical education at an early age develops healthy habits.In schools, regular exercise keeps them fitter and reduces
obesity
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
.
show examples
Moreover
Linking Words
,
physical
Correct article usage
the physical
show examples
 education period is very essential in the curriculum because it makes students' minds fresher and
also
Linking Words
reduce
Correct subject-verb agreement
reduces
show examples
 stress.These factors can directly support a healthier lifestyle .
In addition
Linking Words
 , Participation in
this
Linking Words
 period
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 them strong and helps them to remain active in their lifestyle.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,physical education lessons increase awareness about the importance of a healthier life.Regular exercises
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
essential nutrition
are helps
Correct subject-verb agreement
help
show examples
 them prevent
obesity
Use synonyms
.
AS a result
Linking Words
 ,they are less likely to become obese.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it reduces costs in the healthcare system.
In addition
Linking Words
 ,children may get better concentration
due to
Linking Words
 their healthier lifestyle.
in
Capitalize the proper name
In
show examples
 my opinion,physical activiti very significant in early childhood. For that , parents and the government
also
Linking Words
 encourage
this
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 by encouraging at home or building parks,sports facilities and public campaigns . In conclusion,Regular activity is
very
Rephrase
apply
show examples
essential in
school
Correct article usage
the school
show examples
 curriculum.
Linking Words
this
Capitalize the word
This
show examples
 will help students to prevent
obesity
Use synonyms
 .

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task response
Overall score: 5. Your answer is on topic, but the ideas need more development. Explain each point in more detail: how do PE lessons build habits, and why can these habits last when children grow up?
task response
The question asks to what extent you agree or disagree. State this more clearly: “I strongly agree, but PE alone cannot solve the problem.” Then explain why food, home life, and public action also matter.
task response
Add one clear example. For example: a school could have three PE lessons each week and teach children about healthy food. This makes your ideas more real and stronger.
task response
Some points repeat the same idea about exercise and obesity. Instead, add a new point, such as how PE can help children enjoy sport and choose active free-time activities.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body part follow a simple plan: main idea, explanation, example, and short result. This will make your writing easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully. Some are not needed, and some sentences are too long. For example, do not join many ideas with commas. Write shorter, clear sentences.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the focus on the main question. The part about parents and the government is useful, but it should link more clearly to your view: PE is important, yet support at home and in the wider area is also needed.
coherence and cohesion
Your end is too short. Restate your view and sum up the two main reasons. Do not add a new idea at the end.
task response
You clearly agree with the idea, and your main view stays the same from start to end.
task response
You give useful main points: school can build healthy habits, lower stress, and help stop obesity.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an end.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words, such as “To begin with”, “Furthermore”, “As a result”, and “In conclusion”.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • put pressure on the health-care system
  • obesity-related illnesses
  • a sedentary lifestyle
  • regular physical activity
  • physical education classes
  • develop lifelong habits
  • reduce the risk of obesity
  • healthy eating habits
  • high-calorie food
  • sugary drinks
  • processed food
  • nutrition education
  • balanced diet
  • school meal programme
  • screen time
  • encourage an active lifestyle
  • public health campaign
  • a combined approach
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