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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

A long distance flight consumes more fuel than a car running for several years. Some argue that it would be better to discourage people to have non-essential air travel than to limit the use of cars. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In
this
Linking Words
 day and age,
traveling
Change the spelling
travelling
show examples
 by
flight
Use synonyms
 to commute long distance consume more
fuel
Use synonyms
 than private
cars
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. It is
contentious
Correct article usage
a contentious
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 issue whether
individuals
Use synonyms
 should discourage using planes to travel or limit
usage
Correct article usage
the usage
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 of
cars
Use synonyms
.
Although
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 approach has its own benefits, I firmly disagree with
this
Linking Words
 stance as restricting
usage
Correct article usage
the usage
show examples
 of
cars
Use synonyms
 is profound and far-reaching. Commencing with the most salient reason,
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
limiting
cars
Use synonyms
 is it protects
Use synonyms
environment
Correct article usage
the environment
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. Nowadays, a large number of
people
Use synonyms
 heavily rely on private automobiles
that
Correct pronoun usage
, which
show examples
 increases
fuel
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consumptions
Check wording
consumption
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. Leading to
purchase
Correct article usage
the purchase
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 large proportion of
fuel
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 that produces carbon-emissions in
atmosphere
Correct article usage
the atmosphere
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, which in turn pollute
environment
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.
Consequently
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, it is essential to restrict
using
Replace the word
the use of
cars
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instead
Linking Words
 of
traveling
Change the spelling
travelling
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 by
flight
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 as
this
Linking Words
appraoch
Correct your spelling
approach
 allows
individual
Check wording
individuals
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 to prevent environmental
pollution
Punctuation problem
pollution,
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 eventually
it ameliorates
Wrong verb form
ameliorating
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 citizens' standard of living.
For
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instance
Add a comma
instance,
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 in many parts of my home country, India goverments often promotes
use
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 of public transport by offering discounts in order to reduce
fuel
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use
Use synonyms
 by private
vehicles
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.
Hence
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, adopting
this
Linking Words
appraoch
Correct your spelling
approach
 builds a significant long-term
Use synonyms
environment
Replace the word
environmental
 protection. Another compelling factor associated with
this
Linking Words
 statement is
using
Correct word choice
that using
show examples
 more fuels by private
vehicles
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 often leads to
spread
Correct article usage
the spread
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environment
Use synonyms
 related
illness
Check wording
illnesses
show examples
.
This
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 is primarily because, as fuels
contains
Correct subject-verb agreement
contain
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 carbon
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 is harmful to
individuals
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'
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health
Punctuation problem
health,
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 it can cause
disease
Check wording
diseases
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such
Linking Words
 as asthma,
in
Correct word choice
and in
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 the long
run
Punctuation problem
run,
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 it affects
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individuals
Check wording
individuals'
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 physical
health
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.
Vehicles
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 that run for several years are more likely to deteriorate their engines cause more pollution
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
vehicles
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 are more likely negatively impact
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
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's
health
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.
According to
Linking Words
 research conducted by
World
Correct article usage
the World
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Health
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 Organisations half
a part
Check wording
apply
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of
earth's
Correct article usage
the earth's
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 atmosphere is
damage
Wrong verb form
damaged
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 by automobiles, which leads to
affect
Wrong verb form
affecting
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 not only
people
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's well-being but
also
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country's
Correct article usage
a country's
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 growth. Despite the fact that private
vehicles
Use synonyms
 often
consumes
Correct subject-verb agreement
consume
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 more
fuel
Use synonyms
 and damage
Use synonyms
environment
Correct article usage
the environment
show examples
.
many
Capitalize the word
Many
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 assert that
discourging traveling
Correct your spelling
discouraging travelling
 by planes is beneficial. The main reason behind
this
Linking Words
 is that it can be cost-effective. It is often argued that
flight
Use synonyms
 tickets are sky rocket as cosumption of heavy
fuel
Use synonyms
,
Linking Words
this
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 may
affects
Wrong verb form
affect
show examples
Use synonyms
individuals
Check wording
individuals'
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 economic well-being.
As a result
Linking Words
, if citizens are
encourage
Wrong verb form
encouraged
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 to
use
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of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
trains
than
Correct word choice
rather than
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flights
Punctuation problem
flights,
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 it can take
large
Correct article usage
a large
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 group of passengers at a time to reach a destination, which allows
individuals
Use synonyms
 to be productive and effective.
Thus
Linking Words
, ultimately it builds
sustainable
Correct article usage
a sustainable
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 approach that
citizens' enhances
Correct word order
enhances citizens'
show examples
 financial stability. In conclusion, even though
Use synonyms
flight traveling
Change the spelling
travelling
show examples
 long
distance
Check wording
distances
show examples
 improves
people
Use synonyms
's economy, I strongly believe that limiting car
use
Use synonyms
 can reduce
fuel
Use synonyms
value
Check wording
consumption
show examples
 and
increases
Correct subject-verb agreement
increase
show examples
people
Use synonyms
's quality of life.
Ultimately
Punctuation problem
Ultimately,
show examples
 it builds
sustainable
Correct article usage
a sustainable
show examples
 and prosperous society.

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task response
Score: 5. Your main view is clear, but you do not fully deal with the key comparison. The question says one long flight may use more fuel than a car over years. Explain why car limits are still a better choice: cars are used by many people every day, so their total harm can be very large.
task response
Your first two body paragraphs are very close. Both are about car pollution and health. Use one paragraph for the large total fuel use of cars, and one for why flights should not be the main target, such as work, family, or places that trains cannot reach.
task response
The example about India is useful, but make it more exact. Say what city or what kind of public transport is used, and clearly link it to less car use.
task response
Some ideas are not clear or do not fit your view. For example, you say stopping flights is cost-effective, but this point supports the other side. Then clearly say why this is less important than cutting car use.
coherence and cohesion
Score: 5. The order is easy to follow, but some sentences are very long and join too many ideas. Write shorter sentences. This will make your meaning clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph start with one clear main idea. Then give an explanation and one example. Do not repeat the same point about pollution in two paragraphs.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. For example, “Despite the fact that...” needs a full main clause after it. Also, do not begin a new sentence with “many” after a full stop unless it starts with a capital letter.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion should match your main points. Instead of saying “flight traveling long distance improves people's economy”, restate that car use should be limited because it creates daily pollution on a much wider scale.
task response
You give a clear opinion: you disagree and say car use should be limited.
task response
You include ideas about air pollution, health, public transport, and the cost of flights.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words such as “Consequently”, “For instance”, “Despite the fact”, and “In conclusion”.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Aviation
  • Greenhouse gas emissions
  • Carbon footprint
  • Long-haul flights
  • Global connectivity
  • Sustainable travel
  • Fuel efficiency
  • Environmental impact
  • Personal vehicles
  • Public transportation
  • Stringent regulations
  • Tourism industry
  • Economic consequences
  • Equity
  • Technological advancements
  • Electric airplanes
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