IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Social media is becoming increasingly popular amongst all age group. However, sharing personal information on social media websites does have risks. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

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In contemporary society, social
media
Use synonyms
 plays an integral part in people's
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
While
Linking Words
 it has become a well-known
platforms
Fix the agreement mistake
platform
show examples
 among all age groups, many believe that sharing personal information is risky.
Although
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this
Linking Words
appraoch
Correct your spelling
approach
 has its own downsides, I strongly agree with
this
Linking Words
 statment it affects
individuals
Use synonyms
' mental health and
steal
Correct subject-verb agreement
steals
show examples
 personal
informations
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information
show examples
. Commencing with the most salient reason, is that sharing online personal
informations
Check wording
information
show examples
 provides access to
wide
Correct article usage
a wide
show examples
 range of people across the globe.
This
Linking Words
 means that it is more likely to save and record people's daily routine, which in turn arise
risk
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 of hacking personal bank accounts.
Consequently
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, arising detrimental
affects
Use the right word
effects
show examples
 of social
media
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instead
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 of enjoying its benefits.
For example
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, sometimes many IT professionals hack and steal large
amount
Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
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 of money from online information, which may deteriorate
individuals
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' financial well-being.
Thus
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, adopting
this
Linking Words
 approach may
fragile
Verb problem
compromise
show examples
 their life. Another compelling factor of writing personal details in various apps
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such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as
google
Capitalize the proper name
Google
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, can affect
individuals
Use synonyms
 emotional well-being.
Due to
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increasing
Correct article usage
the increasing
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risk
Use synonyms
 of cyber bullying leads to stress and anxiety, in the long
run
Punctuation problem
run,
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 it may cause mental illness
such
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 as depression.
This
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 is to say nowadays, many students consistently upload their story in the apps
such
Linking Words
 as Facebook and Instagram
Linking Words
as
Punctuation problem
, as
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 a result
it
Correct pronoun usage
, there
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 is more likely to arise
risk
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 of negative comments from peers.
Hence
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, uploading every moment of life in social
media
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 can
leads
Wrong verb form
lead
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 to
surge
Correct article usage
a surge
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stress
Change preposition
in stress
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level
Check wording
levels
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. Despite the fact that using personal inforamtion in social
media
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damage
Correct subject-verb agreement
damages
show examples
Use synonyms
individuals
Check wording
individuals'
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 not only psychological health but
also
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destroy
Correct subject-verb agreement
destroys
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 their financial stability, many assert that it is conducive to
strengthen
Wrong verb form
strengthening
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 family
bond
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bonds
show examples
.
This
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 is primarily because
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 many video conferencing apps
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such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as Whatsapp allows
individuals
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 from
geogrophical
Replace the word
geographical
 apart to have meaningful conversations with their friends and relatives, which can enhance their
realtionships
Correct your spelling
relationships
.
For example
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, these days many
individuals
Use synonyms
 from country side are more likely to live and work alone in
city
Correct article usage
the city
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,
hence
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 social
medial
Use the right word
media
show examples
 is
the
Correct article usage
a
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 great way to get rid of
lonliness
Correct your spelling
loneliness
.
Therfore
Correct your spelling
Therefore
, it allows them to be
prdouctive
Correct your spelling
productive
 and effective. In conclusion, even though social
media
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makes
Verb problem
strengthens
show examples
 family
bond
Check wording
bonds
show examples
, I believe that giving personal information
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 social
media
Use synonyms
is account for
Verb problem
carries the
show examples
risk
Use synonyms
 of hacking bank
account
Check wording
accounts
show examples
 and deteriorating their mental status.

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task response
Score: 5. Your answer is on topic, but some ideas are not fully explained. For example, explain more clearly how a post can lead to bank account hacking. Say what kind of personal details can be used, such as a phone number, address, or date of birth.
task response
Your position is strong in the first paragraph, but the last body paragraph gives a good point without clearly showing why it does not change your view. Add a sentence like: “However, people can stay in touch without posting private details online.”
task response
Use more real and clear examples. “IT professionals hack” is not a good example because most IT workers do not hack. You could say: “For example, criminals may use a public phone number and date of birth to enter an online bank account.”
coherence and cohesion
Score: 5. The main paragraph plan is easy to see, but some sentences do not link well. Make each paragraph follow this order: main idea, explanation, example, short result.
coherence and cohesion
Some linking words are used in the wrong way. For example, “Consequently, arising detrimental affects...” is not a full clear sentence. Write: “As a result, people may lose money instead of enjoying the benefits of social media.”
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. In paragraph 1, focus only on privacy and money. In paragraph 2, focus only on cyberbullying and mental health. This will make your writing easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion repeats the main view, which is good. Make it clearer by saying both reasons in simple words: “I agree because private posts can cause money loss and mental health problems.”
task response
You give a clear view: you agree that sharing personal information can be dangerous.
task response
You cover two main risks: money loss and mental health problems. You also mention one good side of social media.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body paragraphs, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words such as “For example”, “Consequently”, and “In conclusion” to show the order of ideas.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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