IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people believe that the purpose of education is to prepare individuals to be useful members of society. Others say the purpose of education is to fulfill personal ambitions. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Nowadays, a large number of people reckon that the aim of
education
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 is to prepare
pupils
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 to be useful members of society.
However
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, others argue that the
purpose
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 of school is to satisfy personal ambitions.
This
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 essay will discuss both views before explaining why I believe that
education
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 prepares us to be
part
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 of
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community
Correct article usage
a community
show examples
.
However
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, I believe that
that
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apply
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the
purpose
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 of teaching is to make individuals
to be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
useful members of
life
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society
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.
This
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 is because
schools
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 have valuable services or meetings, which can be used as a real source to prepare
pupils
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 for a new stage of life.
In addition
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,
schools
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 can arrange trips to
mountains
Correct article usage
the mountains
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 or make meals in
team
Correct article usage
a team
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 environment.
As a result
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, if they make these opportunities for
pupils
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, they can easily find their position in a chain of
Use synonyms
community
Correct article usage
the community
show examples
, which means that it can be difficult for others. A case in point is that
students
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 who have learned about basic things or how to suit everyone with different manners. Another
part
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 of society thinks that the
purpose
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 of
education
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 is to
fulfill
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fulfil
show examples
 personal ambitions.
This
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 means that
schools
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 should not give priority to the future of
students
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while
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 giving attention to their goals, which can lead to their success in the future.
Consequently
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,
pupils
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 should not be
learned
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taught
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 how to find their seats in the
community
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 since they have their goals, which leads to their own future not being a
part
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 of society.
For example
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,
schools
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who
Correct pronoun usage
that
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 have
been
Wrong verb form
apply
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taught
students
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 to carry out ambitious
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
students
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 got successful futures. In conclusion, some people think that the aim of
education
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 is to
perform
Verb problem
help
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students
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ambitious
Replace the word
achieve their ambitions
,
while
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 I believe that the main
purpose
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 of schooling is to prepare
pupils
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 to be
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a
part
Use synonyms
 of
Use synonyms
community
Correct article usage
the community
show examples
.

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Overall score
Estimated score: 5. The answer has the right main parts, but many ideas are not clear enough or are not fully explained.
Task response
Make each view more accurate. The first view is about helping society. The second view is about helping each person reach their own dreams. Do not say that students with personal goals should not be part of society; these two things can happen together.
Task response
Give a clear reason for each view, then explain it. For example, education can help society because it teaches useful work skills and how to work with other people. It can help personal dreams because students can learn skills for the job they want.
Task response
Your examples need to be more direct. Trips to mountains and making meals may help team work, but explain clearly how this makes students useful to society. Use a simple, real example, such as learning how to work in a group or help people in need.
Task response
State your own view more strongly. You can say: “In my view, education should do both, but helping people live and work well with others is more important.” Then give two reasons.
Coherence and cohesion
Use one main idea in each body paragraph. Start with a topic sentence, explain the idea, give one example, and end the paragraph. This will make your writing easier to follow.
Coherence and cohesion
Some sentences do not link well or are hard to understand. For example, “they can easily find their position in a chain of community” is not clear. Say: “they can learn how to play a useful role in society.”
Coherence and cohesion
Use linking words only when the link is clear. “As a result” and “Consequently” should show a real result. In some places, use simple links such as “This is because”, “For example”, and “Therefore”.
Coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “purpose of education” and “part of society” too often. You can also say “the aim of school”, “the role of education”, “the community”, or “other people”.
Coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion is short and repeats the question. Add one final sentence that explains your view, such as: “This is because personal success is also stronger when people can work well with others.”
Task response
You discuss both views and give your own view. Your opinion is clear in the first and last parts.
Task response
You use examples about school trips, team work, and student goals. These show that you try to explain your ideas.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: introduction, one paragraph for each view, and a conclusion.
Coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words, such as “However”, “In addition”, “As a result”, “Consequently”, and “For example”.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • useful member of society
  • personal ambition
  • gain skills
  • serve the community
  • social responsibility
  • follow rules
  • dream job
  • reach goals
  • personal growth
  • public good
  • practical skills
  • sense of duty
  • equal chance
  • build confidence
  • develop talent
  • balanced approach
  • make a contribution
  • future career
  • individual freedom
  • real-life skills
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