IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Nowadays, an increasing number of
children
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 devote a great deal of time to their
smartphones
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. There are many reasons for
this
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 trend , and I believe that it
bring
Correct subject-verb agreement
brings
show examples
 more negative
development
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 than positive
development
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 to
adolescents
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. On the one hand,
smartphones
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 can serve as perfect tools for
children
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's do
development
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 if used correctly. In education, mobile phones support youngsters by giving information or providing effective study methods.
Next,
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cell phones are convenient tools for entertainment. After stressful hours at school, playing games or watching entertainment videos helps
children
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 reduce stress and unwind.
Adolescents
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 can use
smartphones
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 to contact their family and friends quickly.
However
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, the harmful effects of
smartphones
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 adiction are significant.
Firstly
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, using mobile phones keeps
adolescents
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 not participate physical activities.
This
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 is a negative affects to physical
development
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 during their growing years.
Besides
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 that, spending too much time looking at screens leads to health issues
such
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 as obesity, sleep deprivation caused by blue light, or eye problems like shortsightedness.
Furthermore
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, youngsters can easily become addicted to digital entertaiment lead to poor study performance.
Finally
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, excessive use of handheld devices makes
children
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 les communicate with their family and friends.
This
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 lack of face-to-face communication can prevent
children
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 from developing social communication skills. In conclusion,
adolescents
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 spending hours on
smartphones
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 have both advantages and disadvantages. It helps
children
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 study and entertain. But the negative impact on health, physical
development
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, and social communication skills is a big problem. Parents should control the time their
children
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 use
smartphones
Use synonyms
 to reduce the bad effects of phone addiction.

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Overall score
Estimated score: 6. Your ideas are clear and your answer is well planned, but you need more full support and more real examples.
Task response
Give a more direct answer in the first part. Say clearly that children spend hours on phones because phones are easy to use, fun, and used for school and talking with others.
Task response
Explain each main point more. For example, do not only say games help children rest; explain that short play after school may help them feel calm, but too much play can take time from sleep and homework.
Task response
Add one or two real examples. For example: “A child may watch short videos for two hours after school and then go to bed late.” This makes your ideas stronger.
Task response
Your view is negative, but the good side is quite long. Make the bad side stronger by showing why health, school work, and face-to-face talk are more important.
Coherence and cohesion
Keep one clear idea in each paragraph. The first body part can be about reasons for phone use. The second body part can be about why it is negative. This will match the question more closely.
Coherence and cohesion
Use links in a natural way. Too many list words, such as “Firstly”, “Besides that”, and “Finally”, can make the writing feel like a list. Use simple links such as “Also”, “As a result”, and “For this reason”.
Coherence and cohesion
Make the end more direct. Say again that this is a negative change because the harm is greater than the good. Then give your final point about limits set by parents.
Task response
You answer both questions. You give reasons why children use phones and you say this is mainly negative.
Task response
Your main points are clear: study, fun, contact, health, school work, and social skills.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an end.
Coherence and cohesion
You use linking words such as “On the one hand”, “However”, “Firstly”, “Furthermore”, and “In conclusion”.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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