IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some countries have an ever-increasing proportion of the population who are aged 15 and younger. What is your opinion of the current and future effects it may have in these countries?

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In some countries, the ratio of children aged 15 and under is increasing steadily.
Although
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this
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 demographic trend can cause some problems at present, especially for public
service
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services
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.
However
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, I believe that it can
also
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 bring significant economic benefits in the future if
governments
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 make good preparations. On the one hand, at present, a growing number of children can put pressure on education and healthcare systems.
For instance
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,
governments
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 may need to build more schools, hire more teachers and provide more hospitals and medical services.
This
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 leads to increasing public spending and makes it more challenging for
governments
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 to offer high-quality services.
Furthermore
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, parents may have to spend more money on education, food, and childcare.
Consequently
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, a large young population can create financial pressure for both
governments
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 and families.
On the other hand
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, in the future,
this
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 trend may have some positive effects. When these children become adults, they will join the workforce and can contribute to the country’s economy. A large
of
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apply
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number of young workers can help
business
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businesses
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 find employees and may increase economic growth. Young people are
also
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 usually willing to learn new skills and use modern technology.
However
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, if there are not enough jobs for them, the country could face high unemployment among young people.
This
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 could lead to financial difficulties and other social problems. In conclusion, an increasing young population can create pressure on public services and family finances in the present.
Nevertheless
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, it can become an advantage in the future if
governments
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 provide good education and create enough jobs for the younger generation.

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Task response
Overall score: 7. Your answer is clear and on topic. To reach 8, give one more clear example of how a large young group can help a country later, such as more workers paying tax or starting new firms.
Task response
Explain the link between good schools, jobs, and growth in more detail. Say that good schools give young people skills, and jobs let them use these skills.
Task response
Your point about job loss is good, but add what may happen after it, such as more crime, poor homes, or people leaving the country.
Coherence and cohesion
The first paragraph has a small link problem: “Although ... However” should not be used together. Use either “Although this trend can cause problems now, ...” or “This trend can cause problems now. However, ...”
Coherence and cohesion
Make each main point a little stronger by adding one clear reason after it. For example, more children mean more classes, so class size may rise if new schools are not built.
Coherence and cohesion
Use the same words for the main group more often. You use “children”, “young population”, “young workers”, and “young people”. This is not wrong, but a more steady use can make the flow smoother.
Task response
You give a clear view: there are problems now, but there may be good results later if the state plans well.
Task response
You cover both time periods in the question: the present and the future.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part plan: opening, present effects, future effects, and ending.
Coherence and cohesion
Words such as “For instance”, “Furthermore”, “Consequently”, and “Nevertheless” help the reader follow your ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • ever-increasing
  • proportion
  • vibrant
  • innovative
  • strain
  • cater
  • predominantly
  • unemployment
  • adequately
  • GDP (Gross Domestic Product)
  • sustainability
  • demographic
  • reforms
  • social unrest
  • illusioned
  • dynamic
  • global stage
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