IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people say that advertising is extremely sucsessful at persuading us to buy things. Other people think that advertising is so common that we no longer pay attention to it. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Advertisement is becoming increasingly common nowadays, whether on social media platforms
,
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apply
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 or even
video
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in video
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 games.
While
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 a proportion of individuals state that it is significantly beneficial in raising sales, others argue that the exaggerated popularity minimises attention.
This
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 essay will discuss both viewpoints and give my personal opinion. On one hand, not all
people
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 will be notified if a certain product is published.
Therefore
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, marketing is a crucial component for the
succession
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success
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 of any enterprise.
In addition
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, designing an appealing package for commodities and promoting it
lets
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makes
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people
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 more enthusiastic to purchase it,
this
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 is largely because packaging reflects quality. A clear example of
this
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 can be seen in Puma, where sales appreciated by 12 per cent, 3 months after renewing their shoe packages and investing large finances in advertising them.
Consequently
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, promotion plays a vital role in persuading
people
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 to purchase their products.
On the other hand
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, advertisements cannot succeed without excelling in targeting potential buyers. Which effectively means promotion must be directed to them.
Moreover
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, traditional methods of advertising,
such
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 as testing and offering discounts, are considered obsolete and
does
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do
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 not attract
people
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 anymore. The primary reason is that a viewer's consciousness has become greater about the cost of production.
For instance
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, whenever an advertisement about discounts on products
revealed
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is revealed
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, the first step individuals
do
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take
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 is searching the same product on Alibaba Express and compare prices. In conclusion, there is no straightforward response to the presented question.
However
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, I tend to believe that advertising is still successful in attracting
people
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 to buy things.

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overall score
Estimated score: 6. Your answer is clear and has a good shape. To get a 7, explain each main idea more fully and make the links between sentences smoother.
task response
State your own view more clearly in the start. For example: “I believe ads still work, but only when they are made for the right people.” This makes your position clear from the first part.
task response
Your first main point needs more detail. You say good packaging shows quality, but this is not always true. Explain how an attractive ad or package makes people notice, remember, and want a product.
task response
Your second main point does not fully show that people no longer pay attention to ads. The part about people checking prices shows that they do not fully trust ads. Add ideas such as people see too many ads each day, skip them, or use ad blocks.
task response
The Puma example is useful, but it may sound made up if you cannot show where it comes from. A simple general example is safer: “For example, a short video by a famous person can make many young people want to try a new shoe brand.”
coherence and cohesion
Keep each body part as one full paragraph. The sentence “Consequently, promotion plays a vital role...” should be part of the first body paragraph, not a paragraph on its own.
coherence and cohesion
Some links are not clear. “Therefore” in the first body part does not fit well, because the next idea is about marketing, not a result. Try “For this reason” or join the ideas in one sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Do not start a full sentence with “Which”. Change it to: “This means that ads must be shown to the right people.”
coherence and cohesion
Make the last part stronger by saying why your view is better than the other view. For example: “Although people often ignore old or repeated ads, well-made ads on social media can still lead people to buy.”
task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view in the end.
task response
Your ideas stay on the main question: ads can raise sales, but many people may ignore them.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an end.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear links such as “On one hand”, “On the other hand”, “Moreover”, and “In conclusion”.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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