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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some companies sponsor sports as a way to advertise themselves. Some people think it is good, whiles others think there are disadvantages to this. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

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It is widely acknowledged that
sponsorship
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 is an integral part of the art of advertisement, and
association
Fix the agreement mistake
associations
show examples
 use
this
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 channel to promote their product by spending an enormous amount of
money
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 to sponsor
sports
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.
While
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 a significant number of
people
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 believe that there are some drawbacks
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
sponsorship
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, others argue that the advantages of
sponsorship
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 are vital not only for
clubs
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 but
also
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 for
people
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's lives. I strongly believe that funding
sports
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 would pose a threat to
people
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's health, which is a major drawback when a fast-food company support a global team, unhealthy food consumption among fans is likely to increase.
This
Linking Words
 essay will elaborate on both sides and my position with relevant arguments and examples. On the one hand, the funding of
sports
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 has a great impact on developing
sports
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 and their facilities.
This
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 is because when a company invests
money
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,
sports
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 organisations can use
this
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money
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 to build new facilities, improve their conditions and create opportunities, which require a significant amount of
money
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.
As a result
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,
sports
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clubs
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 can reach a competitive level, and they can raise a healthy generation. To illustrate, some local football
clubs
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 are supported by
companies
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, allowing them to build a new stadium that reaches more
people
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 to draw their attention to football.
Thus
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, young fans can be a football player rather than an unemployed person.
Therefore
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, there are not only sporting benefits for
clubs
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 but
also
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 game-changing effects on
people
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's lives.
On the other hand
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, some
companies
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 can send a subconscious message to promote their unhealthy and unclean food through
sports
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clubs
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. Since
sports
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clubs
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 are well-known organisations regarding their strong health culture, some fast-food
companies
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 can use their names as a cover for their junk foods, allowing them to change their image in
people
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's minds.
For instance
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, when a soccer team which has millions of supporters from across the world is sponsored by
companies
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, fans start to purchase these brands' products, leading them to become vulnerable to some irreversible side effects of these products.
Hence
Linking Words
, the
sponsorship
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 of
sports
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 would be more dangerous than advantageous because it has a great influence on
people
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's lives. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 some
people
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 believe that the funding of
sports
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 has many benefits to support a club's economy, I firmly believe that millions of
people
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 would be under threat
due to
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 global
companies
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, which are trying to hide their negative impacts by using the name of
sports
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clubs
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.

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task response
Estimated score: 6. The answer is complete, but the good side needs one more clear point. For example, sports money can help young people play sport at low cost, or help small clubs stay open.
task response
Make your examples more real and clear. Instead of saying a new stadium “reaches more people”, explain how it helps: more young people can watch games, join teams, and exercise.
task response
Your opinion is clear, but it is very strong. You could say that sports sponsors are good only when the company sells safe products. This would make your view more balanced.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas move too fast. In paragraph 2, the jump from a new stadium to young people not being unemployed is too big. Add a clear step between these ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same key words. You use “funding”, “sponsorship”, and “support”. This is okay, but use “sports sponsorship” often so the reader can follow your main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same ending idea. Both body paragraphs end by saying sponsorship affects people’s lives. Give each paragraph its own final point instead.
coherence and cohesion
Use shorter sentences in a few places. This will make the links between ideas easier to see. For example, split the long sentence about fast-food companies and health into two or three sentences.
task response
You discuss both sides and give a clear opinion. Your view is clear from the first paragraph to the end.
task response
Your main ideas are on topic: money can help sports clubs, but some sponsors may lead people to buy unhealthy food.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: introduction, one side, the other side, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear linking words such as “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, “For instance”, and “In conclusion”.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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