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Band 4

Nowadays, a growing number of people with health problems are trying alternative medicines and treatments instead of visiting their usual doctor. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

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Introduction
Nowadays,
people
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 with health problems are turning to
alternative
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medicines
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 and treatments
instead
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 of visiting their usual
doctor
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 , which has become a popular topic of discussion. I believe
this
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 is a negative development for two main reasons.
Body paragraph 1
One of the main reasons
alternative
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medicines
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 cannot replace a
doctor
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's visit.
This
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 is because it may delay proper diagnosis and treatment.
For example
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, a patient will rely on
alternative
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medicines
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 may face a serious problem which increase a diseases in her body before
recive exsatly
Correct your spelling
receiving exact
 treatment .
As a result
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,
people
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 may receive the treatments in the late stage. Some of the
alternative
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 tretments causes health problems
instead
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 of helping
people
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 to heal.
Body paragraph 2
Secondly
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, sometimes there are negative cases that may causes dangeros situation for
people
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 ,
such
Linking Words
 as healing with using acupuncture.
For instance
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, some
people
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 travel to chaina to treatment and after that, come back in worse condition.
Moreover
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, always recommended to be sure about tratment before any step. It is wise not to rush and always consult a trusted professional.
Conclusion
In conclusion, there are many reasons to choose a
doctor
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, but professionalism is one of the most important. Receiving a
doctor
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's visit with
alternative
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medicines
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 leads to an increase in health problems and causes dangerous diseases.

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task response
Make each main reason more clear and fully shown. In the first body part, explain how a person may miss early care, then show the result with one clear example. Do not put too many ideas in one long sentence.
task response
Use examples that are clear and believable. The example about people going to China is too general and does not clearly prove your point. You could write about a person using an untested treatment for a serious illness and then getting help too late.
task response
Stay close to the question. The last sentence says “Receiving a doctor's visit with alternative medicines”, but the question is about using other treatment instead of seeing a doctor. State this idea clearly in the ending.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body part with a full topic sentence. For example: “First, alternative treatment can delay the right care.” Then give an explanation and an example in a clear order.
coherence and cohesion
Join ideas with simple, correct links. Some sentences are hard to follow, such as “a patient will rely on alternative medicines may face a serious problem”. Write shorter sentences: “A patient may rely on alternative medicine. This can delay the right treatment.”
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same words for key ideas. Use “alternative medicine”, “doctor”, “proper treatment”, and “health problems” in a steady way. This will make the essay easier to read.
task response
You give a clear view from the start: you think this is a bad change. You also give two main reasons and return to your view at the end.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear shape: an opening, two main body parts, and an ending. Words such as “For example”, “As a result”, “Secondly”, and “In conclusion” help the reader follow your ideas.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • alternative medicines
  • treatments
  • positive development
  • negative development
  • health problems
  • usual doctor
  • access
  • personalized approach
  • holistic well-being
  • lack of regulation
  • evidence-based research
  • proper medical treatment
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