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Band 3.5

Nowadays, a growing number of people with health problems are trying alternative medicines and treatments instead of visiting their usual doctor. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

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Nowadays,
people
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 with health problems are trying
alternative
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medicines
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 and treatments
instead
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 of visiting a
usual
Correct word choice
traditional
show examples
doctor
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 , which has become a popular topic of discussion. I believe
this
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 is a negative development for two main reasons. One of the main reasons
alternative
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medicines
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 cannot replace a
doctor
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's visit.
This
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 is because it may delay proper diagnosis and treatment.
For example
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, a patient will rely on
alternative
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medicines
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 may face a serious problem.
As a result
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,
people
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 may receive the treatments in the late stage. Some of the
alternative
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 tretments causes health problems
instead
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 of helping
people
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 to heal.
Secondly
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, sometimes there are negative cases that may causes dangeros situation for
people
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 ,
such
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 as healing with using acupuncture.
For instance
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, some
people
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 travel to chaina to treatment and after that, come back in worse condition.
Moreover
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, always recommended to be sure about tratment before any step. It is wise not to rush and always consult a trusted professional. In conclusion, there are many reasons to choose a
doctor
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, but professionalism is one of the most important. Receiving a
doctor
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's visit with
alternative
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medicines
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 leads to an increase in health problems and causes
dangeros disses
Correct your spelling
dangerous diseases
.

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task response
Your view is clear: you think this is a bad change. Keep this view in each main part. Explain more why late care can make a health problem worse, and why some other care may not be safe.
task response
Give one clear, real-like example. For example, a person with a serious illness may use herbs first, wait too long, and then need more care from a doctor. This will make your point stronger.
task response
Avoid ideas that are too wide or not fully explained. The part about travel to China and acupuncture needs a clearer link to your main point and more detail about what went wrong.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. Use topic sentences that are full sentences, such as: “First, alternative care can delay a correct diagnosis.”
coherence and cohesion
Make each sentence easy to follow. For example, change “For example, a patient will rely on alternative medicines may face a serious problem” to “For example, a patient who relies only on alternative medicine may face a serious problem.”
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. “First”, “For example”, “As a result”, and “In conclusion” are good. Do not add a new idea at the end; sum up the two main reasons instead.
task response
You answer the question directly and clearly state your view in the first part.
task response
Your two main ideas are on topic: late diagnosis and possible harm from unsafe care.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to see as an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some useful links, such as “For example”, “As a result”, “Secondly”, and “In conclusion”.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • alternative medicines
  • treatments
  • positive development
  • negative development
  • health problems
  • usual doctor
  • access
  • personalized approach
  • holistic well-being
  • lack of regulation
  • evidence-based research
  • proper medical treatment
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