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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The process diagram illustrates the steps by which liquid chocolcate is produced from cocoa beans.

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The process diagram presents the
step
Check wording
steps
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 of making
liquid
Correct article usage
a liquid
show examples
 chocolate product from
cocoa
Use synonyms
beans
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
, chocolate product was make though several processes, from
tropical
Correct article usage
the tropical
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cocoa
Use synonyms
 tree. Most of
trees
Correct article usage
the trees
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 were
grownt
Correct your spelling
grown
 in South America, Africa, and Indonesia.
Firstly
Linking Words
, when ripe red pods were picked from
Use synonyms
cocoa
Correct article usage
the cocoa
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 tree, they provided white
cocoa
Use synonyms
beans
Use synonyms
 from inside.
Beans
Use synonyms
 were taken to
fermented
Correct article usage
the fermented
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 process, and
got speaded
Verb problem
spread
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 in
sun
Correct article usage
the sun
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 to dry.
Secondly
Linking Words
, they would be packed in big sacks to be
prepare
Wrong verb form
prepared
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 for delivery. Courier vehicles were loaded up with loads of bags,
then
Linking Words
deliverd
Correct your spelling
delivered
 to
factory
Correct article usage
the factory
show examples
.
Lastly
Linking Words
,
beans
Use synonyms
 were roasted in decent temperature, approximately 350 degrees. Roasted
beans
Use synonyms
 were poured down to crushed machine. In
this
Linking Words
 session, Crusher removed
Use synonyms
beans'
Correct article usage
the beans'
show examples
 outer shells and crushed them finely. After that, there would be only
perfect
Correct article usage
the perfect
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 inner part of
bean
Correct article usage
the bean
show examples
 left. They went through
presser
Correct article usage
a presser
show examples
 machine to get liquid chocolate.

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words cocoa, beans with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 4 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • a linear process
  • cacao trees
  • tropical regions
  • ripe red pods
  • harvest the pods
  • remove the beans
  • white cocoa beans
  • fermentation stage
  • sun-dried beans
  • large sacks
  • transported to a factory
  • roast the beans
  • outer shells
  • crush the beans
  • press the inner part
  • liquid chocolate
  • the final product
  • at the next stage
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