IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many children today are overweight and suffer serious health problems. Give the reasons for this and solutions to help in the child obesity issue.

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The issue of childhood obesity has generated significant debate among stakeholders and the public alike.
This
Linking Words
 phenomenon has become a crucial concern nowadays.
This
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 essay will examine the primary causes of
this
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 issue and provide robust solutions to mitigate
this
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 phenomenon.
To begin
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 with, there are several compelling reasons why
children
Use synonyms
 gain weight. First and foremost, fast
food
Use synonyms
 is the main reason why the younger generation suffers from being overweight.
Additionally
Linking Words
, consuming sugar causes
children
Use synonyms
 to crave more
food
Use synonyms
.
For instance
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, empirical evidence suggests that eating more sugar results in a glucose spike that leads to more
food
Use synonyms
 being consumed.
Also
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, online gaming is one of the factors, since
children
Use synonyms
 spend many hours on screens without moving their bodies. Admittedly, many solutions should be taken to reduce the
obesity prevalence
Correct word order
prevalence of obesity
show examples
 in
children
Use synonyms
.
First,
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parents should involve their
children
Use synonyms
 in daily tasks that keep them active at home.
Furthermore
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, schools should establish programmes that are related to physical activity.
For example
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, community involvement helps
children
Use synonyms
 to build their interpersonal skills
as well as
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 keep them active.
Moreover
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, in terms of community involvement, stakeholders and policymakers should add taxes on junk
food
Use synonyms
 and soft drinks, making it harder for
children
Use synonyms
 to afford them. In conclusion, it is quintessential for everyone in the community to raise their awareness regarding the prevalence of childhood obesity, since
children
Use synonyms
 are the future builders of society. In my opinion, I believe that
this
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 process should start with parental awareness, followed by education systems, and
finally
Linking Words
, government decisions.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You explain causes well, but solutions need a bit more detail.
task response
Give one more clear example for solutions, not only for causes.
task response
Some ideas are clear, but a few points are too general. Explain how each solution works.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, middle, and end. Keep this plan.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully. Some are good, but too many can sound heavy.
coherence and cohesion
Make each main idea in one paragraph easy to follow with one central focus.
task response
You answer both causes and solutions, so you cover the full task.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are both present and clear.
coherence and cohesion
The essay moves in a clear order from causes to solutions.
task response
You use an example about sugar to support your point.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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