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Writing Samples
Band 7

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development

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Introduction
The pervasive presence of smartphones in the lives of children has become an undeniable reality of modern childhood.
This
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 essay will argue that
this
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 trend is driven by both the inherent appeal of digital entertainment and parental convenience, and that it constitutes a predominantly negative development
due to
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 its detrimental effects on cognitive development and social well-being.
Body paragraph 1
Several factors contribute to
this
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 phenomenon. Primarily, smartphone applications are engineered to be highly engaging,
utilizing
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 algorithms that reward continuous interaction through likes, notifications, and immersive games.
Consequently
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, children find it difficult to disengage.
Furthermore
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, parents often
utilize
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 devices as a form of digital babysitting. In busy households, handing a child a smartphone is perceived as an efficient method to ensure quietness and safety, inadvertently fostering a dependency on screens for emotional regulation and boredom alleviation.
Body paragraph 2
However
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, the implications of
this
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 shift are largely adverse. Excessive screen time is strongly correlated with reduced attention spans, making sustained focus on academic tasks increasingly challenging.
Moreover
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, the sedentary nature of smartphone usage displaces physical activity, contributing to rising rates of childhood obesity. Socially,
while
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 digital platforms offer connectivity, they often replace face-to-face interactions, which are crucial for developing empathy and complex social skills. As observed in various studies, heavy users often exhibit heightened anxiety and irritability when disconnected, suggesting a psychological reliance that undermines mental health.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
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 the allure of digital media and the practicality it offers parents explain the ubiquity of smartphones among children, the long-term consequences are concerning. The erosion of concentration, physical health, and genuine social connection marks
this
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 as a significant negative development. Parents and educators must
therefore
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 intervene to promote balanced digital habits.

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task response
Add one or two more real and specific examples. For example, describe a child who uses a phone after school instead of playing outside, or a parent who gives a phone during meals. This would make your points feel more real.
task response
Be a little more careful with strong claims such as “strongly correlated” and “various studies”. If you do not give a source or an example, use simpler wording such as “can lead to” or “may be linked to”.
task response
You could briefly show that phones can have some good uses, such as learning apps or talking to family, before explaining why the bad effects are greater. This would make your view more balanced.
coherence and cohesion
Your links are clear, but some sentences are long and hold many ideas. Split a few of them into two shorter sentences so the meaning is easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link from causes to effects even clearer at the start of the third paragraph. For example: “These reasons may explain the problem, but the results for children can be serious.”
coherence and cohesion
Use clear topic sentences at the start of each body paragraph. Your first body paragraph already does this well; the second could state more directly that the main effects are on health, study, and social life.
task response
You answer both parts of the question clearly. You give reasons for children’s phone use and make your view clear: this is mainly a bad change.
task response
Your main points are relevant and well explained. The ideas about games and apps, parents using phones to keep children quiet, less exercise, and less real social time all fit the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear shape: an opening, reasons, bad effects, and a final summary. Each paragraph has one main job.
coherence and cohesion
Linking words such as “Primarily”, “Furthermore”, “However”, “Moreover”, and “In conclusion” help the reader follow your ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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