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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

doctors, nurses and teachers make a graet contribution to society and should be paid more than entertainment and sports celebrities. Do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
Since modern
socities
Correct your spelling
societies
, or probably much longer, there
always
Verb problem
has always
show examples
 been a question about the most crucial jobs for human beings .Doctors, nurses and teachers have always drawn attention towards themselves, in regard to the contribution that they make to humans lifelong,
compare
Wrong verb form
compared
show examples
 with other jobs and careers.
Accordingly
Linking Words
, there are
disscusions
Correct your spelling
discussions
 on the table that those categories mentioned
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 are
deserved
Replace the word
deserving
 to get paid more than other working professionals,
in particular
Linking Words
, entertainment and sports
celebrities
Use synonyms
. I personally,
however
Linking Words
, completely disagree with
such
Linking Words
 a
prespective
Correct your spelling
perspective
; since being a doctor, nurse
or
Punctuation problem
, or
show examples
 a teacher does not inherently guarantee that they are beneficial for
socities
Correct your spelling
societies
.
In addition
Linking Words
, there are plenty of entertainment and
sport
Check wording
sports
show examples
celebrities
Use synonyms
 who
do
Verb problem
apply
show examples
have
such
Linking Words
 important and influential impacts on certain groups of individuals.
Body paragraph 1
There are some jobs that
us
Correct pronoun usage
we
show examples
 humans universally
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 deem to be more important or significant for human beings,
such
Linking Words
 as doctors and nurses. They are indeed pivotal for countries since they have a lot to do with our
wellbeings
Check wording
well-being
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 and health.
Additionally
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, teachers
Linking Words
for
Punctuation problem
, for
show examples
 instance, who play
such
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 an incredible
roles
Fix the agreement mistake
role
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 in order to foster and cultivate generations, their existence is more than essential for
socities
Correct your spelling
societies
.
However
Linking Words
, paying them more than other working professionals on principle
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 can not be rational
;
Punctuation problem
,
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 since having an important career per se
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 does not indicate that they fulfil their responsibility properly. There are several teachers
or
Punctuation problem
,
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 doctors
or
Punctuation problem
, or
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 many other workers in similar
fileds
Correct your spelling
fields
 who do not take
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 accountability for their careers as much as they need to.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there are some
celebrities
Use synonyms
 or famous
people
Use synonyms
 whose stories are
such
Linking Words
 incredible stories and have tried so hard in order to get where they are now, even if their current job is not as hard as
other
Correct pronoun usage
that of other
show examples
 workers.
Linking Words
Furthermore
Add a comma
Furthermore,
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 there are some
well known
Correct your spelling
well-known
celebrities
Use synonyms
 who do have positive impacts on certain groups of
people
Use synonyms
 or teenagers. To elaborate, I would like to mention Ronaldo, who is an extraordinary football player
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and has done thousands of precious things for
people
Use synonyms
 who needed help. He is
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 epitome of a strong career and a positive role model for a substantial number of
people
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
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, paying
people
Use synonyms
 should be based on a variety of things that need to be factored in.
Conclusion
In conclusion, it is not reasonable to pay some workers based on their title, since it does not show that they are professional enough in their
fileds
Correct your spelling
fields
.
Linking Words
Also
Add a comma
Also,
show examples
 there are some
celebrtities
Correct your spelling
celebrities
 who are competent enough to deserve to get paid
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a considerable amount of money.

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task response
Make your main reason more direct. The question is about pay, but much of your essay is about whether people do their jobs well. Explain more clearly why pay should not be set higher for doctors, nurses, and teachers.
task response
Your first main point needs stronger support. Give a clear reason, such as pay being set by skill, years of work, demand, or the money a job brings in. Then explain how this reason supports your view.
task response
The Ronaldo example is useful, but it does not fully prove that sports and film stars should earn more. Add a link to money: for example, top stars bring in very large sums through games, shows, ads, and ticket sales.
task response
Be careful with the idea that some doctors or teachers may not do their work well. This is true in some cases, but it does not answer why whole job groups should not be paid more. Focus on the pay system, not only on poor workers.
coherence and cohesion
Start each main part with one simple topic sentence. For example: “Pay should depend on skill and results, not only on job title.” This will make your argument easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are very long and contain many ideas. Split them into two or three short sentences so the reader can see the main point more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Use links only when they show a clear step in your idea. For example, after saying that teachers are important, explain why this does not mean they must earn more than stars.
coherence and cohesion
In the ending, state your view in one direct sentence and sum up your two best reasons. Avoid adding new ideas there.
task response
You give a clear view from the start and keep this view to the end: you do not agree that these jobs should always get more pay.
task response
You use a clear real-life example about Ronaldo to show that some famous sports people can help others and be good role models.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear shape: an opening, two main parts, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words such as “However”, “On the other hand”, “Furthermore”, and “Therefore” to show how ideas are linked.
Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

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