IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some parents buy their children whatever they ask for and allow them to do whatever they want. Is this a good way to bring up children? What consequences could this parenting style have as children grow older?

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Nowadays
Punctuation problem
Nowadays,
show examples
 few guardians purchase the things which their kids want.
This
Linking Words
 essay will examine the effects of
parents
Use synonyms
 allowing their
children
Use synonyms
 to follow their desires and argue that, despite a few potential benefits,
this
Linking Words
 is predominantly a negative development.
Body paragraph 1
The key reasons behind the
parents
Use synonyms
 allowing their
children
Use synonyms
 to do whatever they like and buying those things which will make them happy
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 the knowledge they possess and
trust
Correct article usage
the trust
show examples
 they have
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 them. These days childrens have a great knowledge towards the latest technology.
As a result
Linking Words
, they can pursue what can create more employment opportunities for them in future.
Futhermore
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
, educated
parents
Use synonyms
 and
childrens
Replace the word
children
 have
friendly
Correct article usage
a friendly
show examples
 relationship with each other .Because of
this
Linking Words
, family members trust their kids and support them in making a bright future for themselves.
Body paragraph 2
Although
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 trend may benefit the economy and offer short-term enjoyment, I firmly believe that it is predominantly harmful. The
Most
Fix capitalization
most
show examples
 significant drawback is that
children
Use synonyms
 can take advantage of
this
Linking Words
 freedom
of doing
Change preposition
to do
show examples
 anything in life .
This
Linking Words
 can allow them to indulge in bad company and
pursuing
Wrong verb form
pursue
show examples
 wrong activities in life. Equally concerning is that kids can waste a lot of time and their
Use synonyms
parents
Check wording
parents'
show examples
 money by trying lots of career options.
Moreover
Linking Words
, they will never understand the value of money and struggle their
parents
Use synonyms
 have
done
Verb problem
gone through
show examples
 to make their life easier.
Conclusion
In Conclusion,
Parents
Use synonyms
 allowing their
children
Use synonyms
 to do anything can become more common in future.
However
Linking Words
, its downsides can lead to serious problems.I believe that by supporting
children
Use synonyms
 in everything,
this
Linking Words
 trend ultimately has a negative impact on both
parents
Use synonyms
 and
children
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Answer both parts more directly. Say clearly if this way of raising children is good or bad, then explain what may happen when children are older.
task response
Your main view is clear: this style is mostly bad. However, the first body part does not fully support this view. It talks about parents trusting children and about technology, but it does not show why buying everything is good or bad.
task response
Use more direct and real examples. For example, a child who gets every new toy may not learn to wait, save money, or accept “no”. Later, this may cause money problems or poor choices.
task response
Develop each bad result with a clear link: too much freedom can lead to bad friends; bad friends can lead to unsafe acts; this can harm school, work, and family life.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an ending. Keep this shape, but make the first body part focus on the question instead of on reasons why parents trust children.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with one clear main idea. Then add an explanation and one example. This will make your ideas easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as “As a result” and “Because of this” should show a strong link. In some places, the link is not clear.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same idea about freedom and parents buying things. Add new points, such as lack of self-control, poor money habits, and trouble with rules at school or work.
task response
You give a clear overall view that this parenting style can harm both children and parents.
task response
You include several relevant effects, such as bad friends, wasted time, and not knowing the value of money.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, so the reader can follow the main shape.
coherence and cohesion
You use some useful linking words, such as “Although”, “Furthermore”, and “Moreover”.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • indulgent
  • entitlement
  • discipline
  • responsibility
  • nurturing
  • self-reliance
  • adversity
  • autonomy
  • validation
  • dependence
What to do next:
Look at other essays: