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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In many countries, people are spending more and more of their leisure time shopping. This essay will examine why it is taking the place of more traditional pastimes and argue that, despite a few potential benefits, this is predominantly a negative development.

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Introduction
The key reasons behind the rising popularity of shopping are the increase in disposable income and changing habits. As
people
Use synonyms
 earn more, they feel more comfortable spending on goods they may not necessarily need. Under the constant influence of social media and television,
people
Use synonyms
 develop a desire for trendy items they see on their screens, whether it is a new laptop or an item of clothing.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the convenience of online shopping makes it easy to browse and order products from home, replacing traditional at-home pastimes,
such
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 as baking, knitting and reading.
Body paragraph 1
Although
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this
Linking Words
 trend may benefit the economy and offer short-term enjoyment, I firmly believe that it is predominantly harmful. The most significant drawback is that it encourages
people
Use synonyms
 to buy more than they need, which can lead to debt and excessive waste.
Moreover
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, constantly purchasing and throwing away items consumes natural resources and worsens pollution. Another concern is that
people
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 who spend most of their spare time shopping may neglect healthier hobbies,
such
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 as
sport
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sports
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, creative projects, or social events that support personal growth and well-being.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
while
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 shopping as a hobby is becoming increasingly common, its downsides—including overconsumption, environmental harm, and the neglect of more fulfilling activities—have far-reaching consequences. I believe that by replacing healthier hobbies with an often wasteful pursuit,
this
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 trend ultimately has a negative impact on both individuals and society.

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task response
Give one more clear, real example for each main point. For example, explain how a person may buy a new phone after seeing it online, even when their old phone still works.
task response
Develop the good side a little more before saying it is mostly bad. You mention the economy and short-term fun, but say how these help people or shops.
task response
Make the link between shopping and the loss of old free-time activities even more direct. Say why people choose shopping instead of meeting friends, reading, or making things at home.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas could be linked more closely. After the point about online shopping, add a short sentence that shows how easy buying can take time away from other activities.
coherence and cohesion
Use a little more detail to support each point. This will make the body paragraphs feel fuller and help the reader see why your view is true.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion is clear, but it repeats many points from the body. Keep it short and add one final strong thought, such as the need for people to choose a wider range of free-time activities.
task response
You answer both parts of the task clearly. You explain why shopping is more common and give a clear view that this change is mostly bad.
task response
Your main ideas are relevant: more money, ads, and online shopping. Your bad effects are also clear: debt, waste, harm to nature, and less time for good hobbies.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear shape: an opening, one paragraph on causes, one paragraph on bad effects, and a closing.
coherence and cohesion
Linking words such as “Furthermore”, “Although”, “Moreover”, and “In conclusion” help the reader follow your ideas.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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