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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people feel that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians or sports stars are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of job should be highly paid?

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Introduction
It is often argued that film stars, pop musicians, and sports stars, who
work
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 in the media industry, are given a high
amount
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 of currency. I completely agree with
this
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 view, because it is essential to develop some
exeptional
Correct your spelling
exceptional
 qualities
as well as
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 hard
work
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 throughout their lives.
However
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, I think other livelihoods ,
such
Linking Words
 as doctors, engineers, and university teachers, should
also
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 be paid too much
money
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.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, different types of celebrities do have some inherent talents
by born
Change preposition
from birth
show examples
, that's why they should be paid more
money
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.
This
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 is because
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 they get the traits genetically from their descendants, who were exceptionally talented in their lifetime.
In particular
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, genetic traits are being transferred from
one
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 generation to other generation
according to
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 the scientific views.
For example
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, Shakib-Al Hasan, the number
one
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 player of the International Cricket Council among all categories from 2014 to 2022, is a talented cricketer
,
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apply
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 who found these attributes from his father, as his father was
also
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 a sportsman. As
,
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apply
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 he is doing great in his field and he is
also
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 a rare person, he should be given a high
amount
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 of
money
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.
Body paragraph 2
In addition
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, in most of the cases, media persons are
hard working
Correct your spelling
hardworking
,
thus
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 they generate more
money
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.
One
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 important reason for
this
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 is that they do not have any regular office hours like government or private employees.
Furthermore
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, they need to spend too much time
to establish
Wrong verb form
establishing
show examples
 themselves in those positions and in some cases, they
also
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work
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 at night
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apply
show examples
also
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.
For instance
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,
one
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 report published in the BBC news portal showed that more than 80% media personnel are involved in
work
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 late at night.
As a result
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, they gain popularity with the public , and
then
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, they become idle for most of the people. Ultimately,
this
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 helps them to earn
money
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.
On the other hand
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, some jobs
also
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 need higher degrees , like doctors, teachers, and engineers.
Therefore
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, to
recognize
Change the spelling
recognise
show examples
 their contribution, they should
also
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 pay a handsome
amount
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 of currency.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I completely agree that news stars are getting more capital because they have talents and hard-working ability.
However
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, other life-saving jobs
like
Punctuation problem
, like
show examples
 a
doctor
Punctuation problem
doctor,
show examples
 should
also
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 pay a high
amount
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 of
money
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Make your main view more exact. The question asks if stars are paid too much. You say you agree, but many lines explain why they should earn more. Say clearly that their pay is too high when compared with jobs that save lives or help society.
task response
Give stronger reasons for high pay for doctors, engineers, and teachers. For example, doctors save lives, engineers make safe roads and homes, and teachers help young people build their future.
task response
Be careful with the idea that talent comes from family. This is not always true and does not fully show why very high pay is fair. Focus more on demand, public interest, short work lives, or the money stars bring to films, music, and sport.
task response
The example about the cricket player is not needed in so much detail. Use the space to compare his pay with the pay of a doctor or teacher.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each body part. Your second body part moves from long work hours for media workers to pay for doctors, teachers, and engineers. Put these ideas in two separate parts.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link between ideas clearer. For example: “However, long hours alone do not mean that stars should earn far more than doctors.” This will show how your points support your main view.
coherence and cohesion
Some phrases are unclear or do not fit the meaning. Replace “given a high amount of currency” with “paid a lot of money”, “talents by born” with “natural talent”, and “become idle for most of the people” with “become well known to the public”.
coherence and cohesion
Check the ending carefully. “News stars” is not the same as film stars, musicians, and sports stars. Also write “doctors should be paid well”, not “a doctor should also pay”.
task response
You give a clear view: famous people may earn more, and doctors, engineers, and teachers should also earn high pay. You answer both parts of the question.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. Words such as “To begin with”, “In addition”, and “In conclusion” help the reader follow your ideas.
support
You use a real sports example and explain that some public figures work long hours. This makes your main point easier to understand.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Revenue generation
  • Supply and demand
  • Influence on culture
  • Trendsetters
  • Income disparity
  • Essential workers
  • Critical role
  • Public health
  • Endorsements
  • Economies
  • Compensation
  • Significant contribution
  • Technological advancements
  • Global challenges
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