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Band 4.5

Many young children now spend hours each day using tablets and smartphones. Some people believe that this harm their social skills, while others think it helps them learn faster. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Introduction
There is no doubt that technology has become a part and parcel of everyone’s life these days. People have different views about the use of
tablets
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 and
smartphones
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,
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;
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 some individuals believe that these gadgets harm
children
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’s interpersonal
skills
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,
while
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 others assert that it assists them
learn
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in learning
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 quickly.
This
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 essay will
analyze
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analyse
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 the views from both sides
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along
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, along
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 with a concluding view.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand,
why
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apply
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I believe that
children
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 should reduce their screen time on
tablets
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 and
smartphones
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 each day, because it harms their core
skills
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. The main reason is that they
have a distance
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are far
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 from outdoor activities. To explain it, when
children
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 have a smartphone or any other technical gadgets, they prefer to spend their quality
of
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apply
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time
while
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 staying at home
instead
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 of visiting outside,
such
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 as parks, sports club and social centres. As they consider that it is
more
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a more
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 convenient place for them and they do not prefer to talk and have
a
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apply
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fun with friends and even with parents.
As a result
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, it directly affects their interpersonal
skills
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, including communication, co-operation and teamwork
skills
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.
Body paragraph 2
For instance
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, I read a news
in
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report in
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Jalandhar
Correct article usage
the Jalandhar
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 newspaper
last
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 week, they collect a statistics data which shows that the percentage of
children
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 has been reduced by 40% towards outdoor activities as compared to
past
Correct article usage
the past
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 few years.
Body paragraph 3
On the other hand
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,
why
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apply
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some people believe that using
smartphones
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 or
tablets
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have
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has
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 benefits for youngsters. An obvious one is that
due to
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 advancement in technology, everything is available on social media apps,
such
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 as YouTube, Twitter and Facebook, where some
professional
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professionals
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 post their positive thoughts and success stories
as well as
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 how to live in a community with discipline and
co-operative
Replace the word
cooperation
. If their parents or teachers encourage them to watch those channels and stories, they can learn social
skills
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 efficiently and effectively.
That is
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 why
,
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apply
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 some individuals think that
tablets
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 are more helpful for youngsters to improve their social
skills
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.
Conclusion
It is sensible
to conclude
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 that
although
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 some people reckon that using
smartphones
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 and
tablets
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are
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is
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 adequate for
children
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 to learn socially, I am not in favour of
this
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 view because I believe that other alternatives are
more
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apply
show examples
better than
this
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 way.

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Task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view, which is good. However, the second side changes from learning faster to learning social skills. Explain more clearly how apps can help children learn school work, such as math, reading, or new words.
Task response
Make your opinion clear from the start and keep it the same in every part. Say that phones can help learning, but too much use can harm real talk and play with other children.
Task response
Your example is linked to the topic, but it is not very clear. Use a simple example with a clear point, such as a child who stays home to play games and then has less time to talk and play with friends.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. Keep this shape, but make each paragraph focus on one idea only.
Coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are very long and hard to follow. Use shorter sentences. For example, state the main idea first, then give a reason, then give an example.
Coherence and cohesion
Use clear link words to show the order of ideas: On the one hand, For example, On the other hand, However, and In conclusion. Do not begin both main parts with “why” because it makes the flow less clear.
Coherence and cohesion
The first main part is stronger than the second. Add one clear point about fast learning, then explain it fully before you return to your view.
Task response
You answer all parts of the question: harm to social skills, help with learning, and your own view.
Task response
You give a clear reason for the harm side: less outdoor play and less time with friends and parents.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction and a conclusion, and the two views are placed in separate paragraphs.
Coherence and cohesion
You use some useful link words, such as “On the one hand”, “For instance”, and “On the other hand”.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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