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Band 6

IELTS 17 Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

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Introduction
It is claimed that some
children
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 spend
time
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 on their
smartphones
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 daily nowadays.
This
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 essay will examine the main causes of
this
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 issue and discuss why
this
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 situation is negative.
Body paragraph 1
There are a variety of causes for
this
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 matter.
To begin
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 with,
due to
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 the demands of work, parents may have limited
time
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 to spend with their
children
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.
As a consequence
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, the
children
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 may become more reliant on their phones because they have more unsupervised
time
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. Another contributing factor to mention is that
smartphones
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 contain a lot of entertainment content.
Moreover
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, it appeals to
children
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 and hooks them, making them intrigued by funny videos, etc...
For example
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,
children
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 can encounter memes, knowledge, and diverse content on TikTok, Facebook, and YouTube to feel emotionally well.
Body paragraph 2
However
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, there are several drawbacks to spending
time
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 on
smartphones
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 every day. A common disadvantage is that
children
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 can experience social isolation.
In addition
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, social isolation can prevent them from communicating with society because it limits the opportunities to interact with others. One significant disadvantage is that
children
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 can experience cognitive decline when they use
smartphones
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. Excessive smartphone use may reduce
children
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's attention spans and impair their ability to concentrate.
For instance
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,
children
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 can be more distracted and less capable of maintaining concentration for extended periods.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
children
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 spend
time
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 on their
smartphones
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 because of their parents' work and the appealing content on
smartphones
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.
This
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 issue causes some developmental disadvantages, limiting communication skills and affecting their cognitive development.

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task response
Explain each main idea more fully. For example, say how a busy parent may give a child a phone to keep the child quiet or busy after school.
task response
Make the examples more direct and real. The list of TikTok, Facebook, and YouTube shows what children watch, but it does not fully show why they spend hours on phones. Add a clear result, such as autoplay, games, or messages that keep them online.
task response
Develop the negative side with one more clear effect. You could write about poor sleep, less exercise, or less time for school work, and explain the link to long phone use.
coherence and cohesion
Use one main point in each body paragraph. In the second body paragraph, social isolation and lower focus are both good ideas, but each needs a little more support.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “disadvantage” and “children can experience”. Use simple changes such as “Another problem is...” or “Also, too much phone use can...”
coherence and cohesion
Some links are not fully clear. For example, “social isolation can prevent them from communicating with society” repeats the same idea. Say more clearly that children may spend less time talking, playing, and making friends face to face.
coherence and cohesion
Keep your example close to the point. The TikTok example fits entertainment, while the final example fits attention. This is good; now add one sentence after each example to show why it proves your point.
task response
You answer both parts of the question. You give two reasons for phone use and clearly say that this is a negative change.
task response
Your main points are clear and relevant: busy parents, fun phone content, less social contact, and weaker focus.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: introduction, causes, negative effects, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words such as “To begin with”, “As a consequence”, “However”, “For example”, and “In conclusion” to guide the reader.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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