IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Most high-level positions in companies are filled by men even though the workforce in many developed countries is more than 50 percent female. Companies should be required to allocate a certain percentage of these positions to women. To what extent do you agree? Give reasons for your answers and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#positions #companies #men #workforce #countries #percent #percentage #women #answers
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Most high-level
positions
 in
companies
 are filled by
men
 even though the workforce in many developed countries is more than 50% female, which means
women
 are not treated the same way at
work
, some argue that numbers of senior level should be provided for
women
. To my opinion, I must say that key
positions
 should be shared with both males and females, depending on their performances, not to make an equal proportion. On the one hand, females have the responsibility for the family falls on themself is one of the reasons why they closed in high-level
positions
, as we know, taking care of babies and dealing with chores occupy them most times. They have less ability to handle
work
 than
men
 themselves
although
 their performance in
work
 is not inferior to that of
men
.
On the contrary
, they
also
 have equal rights and opportunities and they have valuable skills of communication and diplomacy for high-level
positions
, like meticulous and convincing in terms of patience and management than
men
.
On the other hand
, A company should pay attention to the comprehensive quality performance of its employees in the selection of senior
positions
.it is important to create a pleasant
work
 environment with a better balance of the genders in management and senior levels. Some studies have shown that
companies
 with
women
 on their boards have a lower probability of bankruptcy. When
women
 join the executive team, they do not magically improve company performance overnight but rather enhance team vitality, avoiding "collective thinking" and helping
companies
 make better decisions.
For example
,
due to
 the different backgrounds and life experiences of
men
 and
women
, gender balance in executives can not only promote the inclusiveness of the entire team but
also
 facilitate innovation. Gender equality in the workplace cannot be achieved overnight especially, in some industries dominated by
men
 today. We must recognize the gap and start addressing it. Enterprises first need to establish a long-term vision and quantifiable goals, and
then
 assign senior executives as leaders.
In addition
,
companies
 should value
women
's feedback on their workplace experiences, listen, analyze, and
then
 take action.
Submitted by zhang342621374 on

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task response
Your essay attempts to address the prompt, but your argument is not consistently clear or thorough, which impacts your task achievement score. Be sure to fully explore your ideas and their implications.
coherence
The logical structure of your essay needs more clarity. One way to improve is to begin with an introduction that clearly states your position and previews the main points that will be discussed. Each body paragraph should address a single idea, introduced by a clear topic sentence. Finally, provide a conclusion that summarizes your argument and restates your stance.
cohesion
To score higher in coherence and cohesion, ensure that your essay flows logically from one point to the next, using appropriate linking words and cohesive devices. Additionally, maintain paragraph unity and organize your essay so that it is easy for the reader to follow your line of reasoning.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • gender equality
  • inclusive culture
  • systemic discrimination
  • diversity
  • tokenism
  • merit-based
  • quota
  • resentment
  • divisive
  • competence
  • leadership styles
  • workforce demographics
  • high-level positions
  • representation
  • nurturing talent
  • corporate world
  • historical imbalance
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