IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many peole think that it is important to go to university while others prefer to start work without getting a universty education. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Introduction
In the modern era, so many people choose to pursue
further
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 study after completing high
studies
Check wording
school
show examples
,
while
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 others want to start their career right after that. In
this
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 essay, I am going to discuss both the views and give my opinion in the
last
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.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, students who have completed their high school
education
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 choose to start a job.
Firstly
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, the experience which they gain from the job is more practical than the study. So, people want to embark on their career to get the real knowledge of the market.
Secondly
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, they will learn tactics for unpredictable problems and get used to the office environment.
For example
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, people who work in the marketing department get the practical knowledge of the strategies and planning which is not possible in the university.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, students who choose to study
further
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 after completing higher
education
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 become clearer about their future goals.
In addition
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, tertiary
education
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 has seminars, part-time work opportunities and various projects which teach them to gain real-time knowledge about the situations.
Moreover
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, they learn time management, leadership skills and other necessary skills from the college
education
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 , which helps them to perform better in the future.
For instance
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, from the survey of 2021, 70% of the students who completed their high studies chose to pursue higher
education
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 to develop skills in the particular subjects.
Conclusion
In a nutshell, there are convincing arguments for and against pursuing higher
education
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.
However
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, I strongly believe that persuing the university degree is more helpful to choose the right path in their career.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view, so you answer all parts of the task. Make your own view clearer from the start, not only in the last part.
task response
Give more full support for each main point. For example, explain why work experience can be more useful than study for some jobs, and why a university course can help people find a better job.
task response
Your examples need to be more clear and real. The marketing example is useful, but explain exactly what a worker learns. The survey example is not well linked to the point about skills, and it has no source.
task response
Use the right words for each stage of study. Say “finish high school” before work or university. Do not say “complete higher education” when you mean study at university.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: introduction, one side, the other side, and conclusion. Keep this four-part plan.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link from each main idea to its example more clear. After a point, add a short line that shows how the example proves that point.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas in the university paragraph are put together too fast. Put one main idea in each part: first career goals, then useful skills, then an example.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. “Firstly”, “Secondly”, “In addition”, and “Moreover” help, but do not use too many. Clear topic sentences will make the flow better.
task response
You give a fair view of both choices: starting work and going to university.
task response
Your final view is clear: you feel that a university degree can help people choose a career path.
coherence and cohesion
Each body part has a clear focus, so the reader can follow your ideas easily.
coherence and cohesion
You use useful signpost words such as “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, and “In a nutshell” to guide the reader.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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