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Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people say that ebook and modern technology will totally replace traditional newspaper and magazine. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
The number of obese young people in Western communities has exceeded 20% over the
last
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 decade.
This
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 essay will discuss the main causes of
this
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 phenomenon and propose several measures to address the issue.
Body paragraph 1
In
this
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 modern world, many adolescents have become overly reliant on technological devices, which they use for educational purposes, entertainment, and communicating with their friends.
As a result
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, they spend less time engaging in physical activities, which is one of the main reasons for the increasing rate of
obesity
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 among
children
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.
In addition
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, a lack of awareness about healthy eating and regular exercise can exacerbate
this
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 problem.
For example
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, spending excessive amounts of time watching television or using electronic devices can discourage
children
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 from participating in physical activities. There are
also
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 several other contributing factors,
such
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 as the widespread consumption of fast food and soft drinks and the adoption of an unhealthy lifestyle, all of which can contribute to the growing prevalence of childhood
obesity
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.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, there are several effective measures that can be implemented to tackle
this
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 problem.
First,
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health awareness should be increased among the general population,
while
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 families should encourage
children
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 to participate in physical activities from an early age. Schools and communities could
also
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 organise educational programmes and campaigns to promote healthy lifestyles.
In addition
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, fitness clubs could provide free or subsidised memberships for
children
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 under the age of 18. Fruit and vegetables should
also
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 be made freely available in schools,
while
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 swimming could be introduced as a regular subject at the secondary-school level. In my view, these measures could significantly reduce
obesity
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 among young people and help governments address
this
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 growing public-health concern.
Conclusion
In conclusion, families play a major role in preventing childhood
obesity
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 by closely monitoring
children
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's lifestyles and encouraging healthy habits.
For instance
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, allowing
children
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 to use technology under parental supervision and limiting their screen time can help them maintain a more active lifestyle and reduce the risk of becoming overweight.

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task response
Answer the question in full. You give clear causes and ways to solve the problem, but some points are listed very fast. Explain each main cause and each key action in more depth.
task response
Use more exact examples. For example, say how much time children spend on screens, or explain how school food rules can cut down fast-food use.
task response
Keep the age group the same. The essay moves between young people, adolescents, children, and people under 18. Choose one group and use it throughout.
task response
Some ideas need a clearer link to the cause. Free fruit at school and swimming lessons are good ideas, but explain why they can lead to less weight gain.
coherence and cohesion
Your overall order is clear: introduction, causes, solutions, and conclusion. To make it stronger, group related causes together instead of adding many causes in one long part.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. 'For example' should give a real example, not repeat the point about screen use. Add a clear result after each example.
coherence and cohesion
The final paragraph repeats the solution about screen time. It would be better to sum up both main causes and the most important solutions in a short final statement.
coherence and cohesion
The second body paragraph has many solutions. Choose two or three main ones, then give each one its own short explanation. This will make the flow easier to follow.
task response
You deal with both parts of the task by giving causes and ways to solve the problem.
task response
Your ideas are relevant, such as screen time, fast food, family help, and school health work.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear beginning and ending, and the reader can follow the main plan easily.
coherence and cohesion
You use useful signposts such as 'As a result', 'In addition', 'First', and 'In conclusion' to connect ideas.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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