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Writing Samples
Band 5

In many countries around the world, rural people are moving to cities, so the population in the countryside is decreasing. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

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Introduction
There is an increasing trend of the rural population to move to the cities.
As a result
Linking Words
,
population
Correct article usage
the population
show examples
 of the rural areas is decreasing, and
of
Correct determiner usage
that of
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 cities is expanding rapidly.
This
Linking Words
 development has advantages
as well as
Linking Words
 disadvantages. In my view, the negative effects outweigh the positive ones.
Body paragraph 1
One of the negative impacts is adverse effects on countries' farming and
agriculture
Replace the word
agricultural
 industry. If fewer people are involved in
agricultural
Correct article usage
the agricultural
show examples
 sector, the output of crops might decrease.
Similarly
Linking Words
,
If
Fix capitalization
if
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 people are leaving farming,
farming
Correct article usage
the farming
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 industry of a country will suffer. Not only is it harmful to a country's economy, but it
also
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 risks
food
Correct article usage
the food
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 security of a nation. The second issue arising from
this
Linking Words
 trend is the overcrowding of cities, which is putting strain on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public health, housing and other sectors.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, it is easier for authorities to provide basic facilities to a relatively smaller area compared to the scattered small communities living hundreds of miles apart. It becomes a real challenge for a government to provide basic
ameneties
Correct your spelling
amenities
 like providing clean water, building health facilities, and developing infrastructure. The other issue is difficulty in implementing law and order and in
the crime's control
Correct word order
controlling crime
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. The previous logic
also
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 applies here. These
issue
Fix the agreement mistake
issues
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 are relevant to the developing countries,
in particular
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion, population concentration
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the main city
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 makes
easier
Correct pronoun usage
it easier
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 for authorities to implement law&order, and to provide the basic necessities.
However
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, the strain on the public systems
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 and the loss to farming and agriculture industries far outweigh the perceived benefits.

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task response
Your view is clear: you think this change is mostly bad. Keep this view clear in each main paragraph. Explain more fully how fewer farm workers can lead to less food and higher food prices.
task response
Add one short, real-life example. For example, a small town may lose young workers, while a nearby city may face high rents and full hospitals. This will make your ideas more real and strong.
task response
The good side is relevant, but the point about crime control is not fully explained. Say why it is easier to keep order in one large place than in many small places, or use a stronger good point such as more jobs and schools in cities.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, bad points, good points, and ending. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer links between ideas. For example: 'First', 'As a result', 'In addition', and 'However'. Avoid repeating 'The other issue' and 'The previous logic also applies here' because these links are not very clear.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each paragraph focused on one main idea. In the second body paragraph, basic services and crime control are two different ideas. Give each one its own paragraph, or explain the link between them more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Check small word forms and sentence links: use 'the population of rural areas', 'the population of cities', 'the agricultural sector', 'these issues', and 'make it easier'. These changes will make your writing smoother.
task response
You answer the question directly and give a clear opinion from the start.
task response
You discuss both sides of the change and give relevant points about farming, food, city services, and housing.
coherence and cohesion
Your main ideas are placed in a sensible order, and the ending returns to your main view.
coherence and cohesion
The move from the bad side to the good side is clear through the use of 'On the other hand'.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • rural-to-urban migration
  • population shift
  • positive impact
  • negative impact
  • urbanization
  • job opportunities
  • access to education
  • access to healthcare
  • urban infrastructure
  • rural traditions
  • cultural heritage
What to do next:
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