IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many children today are overweight. This is a serious health problem. Give the reasons for this and give solutions to solve this.

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
The world is very different from the past, and that includes the eating habits of many
children
Use synonyms
.
Children
Use synonyms
 today tend to be overweight.
This
Linking Words
 is a serious health issue.
This
Linking Words
 essay will examine the main reasons responsible for child obesity and offer solutions to fix
this
Linking Words
 problem.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, there are several reasons that contribute to child obesity. First,
children
Use synonyms
 eat far too much fast
food
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 type of
food
Use synonyms
 is unhealthy, high in calories,
as well as
Linking Words
 trans fat.
Also
Linking Words
, they tend to snack on junk
food
Use synonyms
 daily. Second,
children
Use synonyms
 today do not engage in very much exercise. They lead a life filled with computers and video games.
This
Linking Words
 existence lacks movement or physical activity.
Finally
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 today consume far too much sugar. They like to dine on sweets, candy and chocolate. As well, they drink different types of soda, which are loaded with sugar.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
However
Linking Words
 there are several solutions to
this
Linking Words
 problem.
First,
Linking Words
parents should provide healthier meals. They can give
children
Use synonyms
 more fruits and vegetables and limit junk
food
Use synonyms
.
Second,
Linking Words
children
Use synonyms
 should exercise more. They can play sports or spend more time outside.
Finally
Linking Words
, parents should limit sugary drinks and sweets.
This
Linking Words
 can help
children
Use synonyms
 develop healthier eating habits.
Conclusion
In conclusion, child obesity is mainly caused by unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
, lack of exercise, and too much sugar. Parents and schools should work together to help
children
Use synonyms
 live a healthier lifestyle.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
You answer both parts of the task clearly. To make your ideas stronger, explain more about why fast food, sugar, and less exercise lead to weight gain. Add one clear real-life example, such as school meals or time spent on games.
task response
Your solutions are useful and match the causes. You could make them more complete by saying what schools and the government can do, not only parents. For example, schools can give healthy lunches and more sport time.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, main body, and ending. The order of ideas is easy to follow. Avoid using both “On the other hand” and “However” at the start of the same sentence, because they give the same link.
coherence and cohesion
Use a little more detail to link each cause to its solution. For example, after writing about video games, say that parents can set a daily time limit and ask children to play outside.
coherence and cohesion
Check small spacing and punctuation issues, such as “First,children” and “Second,children”. Write a space after each comma.
task response
You give clear causes: fast food, little exercise, and too much sugar. You also give matching solutions for each one.
task response
Your ending sums up the main ideas and adds that parents and schools can work together.
coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph has a clear purpose, and words such as “First”, “Second”, and “Finally” help the reader follow your points.
coherence and cohesion
The ideas are in a sensible order: causes first, then ways to solve the problem.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: