IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Young people are often influenced in their behaviours and situations by others in the same age. This is called “peer pressure”. Do the disadvantages of peer pressure outweigh the advantages?

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Introduction
It is commonly observed in
children
Use synonyms
 that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
they get easily influenced by other
students
Use synonyms
 of
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 age, in terms of behaviours and situations.
This
Linking Words
 trend has both merits and demerits . The question that arises is whether there are more positive or negative aspects associated with it
?
Change the punctuation
.
show examples
 I believe
latter
Correct article usage
the latter
show examples
outshine
Correct subject-verb agreement
outshines
show examples
 the former.
Body paragraph 1
The most significant drawback associated with
this
Linking Words
 is mental health problems.
This
Linking Words
 means, sometimes
children
Use synonyms
facilitates
Correct subject-verb agreement
facilitate
show examples
 themselves to fit in the activities that are not meant for them just because their mates are participating in it,
as a result
Linking Words
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 feel leftout from the society they are living in. For
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
instance,
children
Use synonyms
 from
non-sports
Correct article usage
a non-sports
show examples
bachground
Correct your spelling
background
 compare their skills with
the others that
Correct pronoun usage
those who
show examples
 are born with sports traits
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as
flexible
Correct article usage
a flexible
show examples
 body and strong muscles, left non sport background
students
Use synonyms
 in anxiety and depression.
Body paragraph 2
Moreover
Linking Words
, limited diversity is another
considerable
Correct word choice
good
show examples
 reason, as individuals remain surrounded with people they influence rather
then
Linking Words
 explosing and meeting different people from different cultures and diversity.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
students
Check wording
students'
show examples
 motivation from their friends not only
limit
Correct subject-verb agreement
limits
show examples
 their surroundings but
also
Linking Words
effecting
Wrong verb form
affects
show examples
 their
metal heath
Check wording
mental health
show examples
.
Body paragraph 3
Even though
demerits
Correct article usage
the demerits
show examples
 outweigh, there is
advantage
Correct article usage
an advantage
show examples
 that cannot be ignored
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as
,
Correct determiner usage
a
show examples
 positive role model . To explain,
children
Use synonyms
 follow famous personalities and get influence from
them
Punctuation problem
them,
show examples
 become sucessfull in their life as
students
Use synonyms
 walk
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
footprints
Check wording
footsteps
show examples
 of influencers which facilitates themin attain their
selective
Correct word choice
specific
show examples
 goals.
For example
Linking Words
,
My
Fix capitalization
my
show examples
 friend Gurjit
get
Wrong verb form
got
show examples
 inspired
from
Change preposition
by
show examples
 one fashion designer
Gursimran
Punctuation problem
, Gursimran
show examples
, and
while
Linking Words
 watching her and enhancing her techniques
now
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
 Gurjit become a CEO of
famous
Correct article usage
a famous
show examples
 clothing brand.
Thus
Linking Words
 follwing sucessful person assist
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 in becoming or
acheiving
Correct your spelling
achieving
 their desired goals in life.
Conclusion
That being said, the demerits
bought
Verb problem
brought
show examples
 forth by
children
Use synonyms
 influenced by
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 fellows provides a detrimental impact on them in terms of disturbing
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 health and limits their diversity
is
Correct pronoun usage
, which is
show examples
 truly discouraging.

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task response
Give a clearer answer from the start: the bad sides are stronger than the good sides. Keep this view clear in every main part and in the end.
task response
Use points that are closely linked to pressure from people of the same age. For example, talk about friends pushing a child to smoke, miss school, spend too much money, or act in unsafe ways.
task response
Your sports example shows comparison, but it does not fully show peer pressure. Explain that friends may push a child to join a sport or make fun of them for not joining.
task response
Develop each main idea more. Say how the pressure starts, what the child does, and what harm or good result follows.
task response
The good side should be more direct. A friend can push another friend to study, play sport, or stop a bad habit. The example about a famous designer is more about a role model than people of the same age.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple plan: first paragraph with your view; one paragraph for each bad point; one paragraph for the good point; then a short ending.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with one clear main idea. For example: “One serious problem is stress.” Then explain only that idea in the rest of the paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Some links are unclear or repeated. Use simple links such as “For example”, “As a result”, “However”, and “Therefore” only when they show a real link.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid very long sentences with many ideas. Split them into short sentences so the reader can follow your meaning more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Make the ending match your main points. State again that the bad effects are stronger because peer pressure can harm mental health and limit personal choice.
task response
You answer the main question and clearly say that the bad sides are stronger.
task response
You include both sides of the topic, with bad effects and one good effect.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear beginning, body paragraphs, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You try to use examples to support your ideas, which helps make your points more real.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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