IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 2.5

some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination while others think that there are more important factors such as meuney and appearance . Discuss both view and give opinion

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Introduction
Many individuals
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 argue that success in life comes
form
Use the right word
from
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 hard
and
Check wording
work and
show examples
determination
Punctuation problem
determination,
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while
Linking Words
 others believe that there
a
Verb problem
are
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 crucial factors like
meuney
Correct your spelling
money
 and apparance matter. I partially agree that being successful depends on
hardworking
Replace the word
hard work
. In
this
Linking Words
 essay i will
develope
Correct your spelling
develop
 my opinion to support my point of
vue
Correct your spelling
view
.
Body paragraph 1
Let's consider that children from millionaire
,
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apply
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 they already made succes because of their families
,
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;
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 on the other
hands
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hand
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, poor kids have to
work
Use synonyms
 harder
compare
Wrong verb form
compared
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 to famous children.
Body paragraph 2
However
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
work
Replace the word
working
 smart is different
with
Change preposition
from
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 hard
working
Replace the word
work
.
Depends
Wrong verb form
Depending
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 on knowledge and skills , people
could
Wrong verb form
can
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 save money for investment, from there they will
be
Verb problem
apply
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succeed in their
carreer
Correct your spelling
career
. In my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
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 it is crucial to
work
Use synonyms
 smart
better
Correct word choice
rather
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 than
work
Use synonyms
 hard. As soon as
,
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apply
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workers get their
paycheck
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paycheck,
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 they
suppose
Wrong verb form
are supposed
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 to save money and begin their own business.
Conclusion
In conclusion, i am disgree with the statement saying that success in life comes from hard
work
Use synonyms
 and determination
,
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. Due
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due to
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Correct determiner usage
their parents
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parents
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parents'
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income
Punctuation problem
income,
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 some children don't have to
work
Use synonyms
 hard to be successful.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, individuals with low income have
make
Verb problem
to make
show examples
 more effort to
be
Verb problem
apply
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succeed
,
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;
show examples
 most of the time
Linking Words
this
Punctuation problem
, this
show examples
 category is living paycheck to paycheck, with no credit history.

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task response
You discuss both views, but the view about looks is almost missing. Add a clear paragraph about how looks may help in some jobs, such as sales or film, but do not always lead to success.
task response
Make your own view clear from the start and keep it the same. You first partly agree with hard work, but later you say you disagree. Explain that money can give a strong start, while hard work and smart plans help people keep success.
task response
Give fuller reasons and examples. For example, money can pay for a good school or help a person start a shop. Hard work can help a poor student learn new skills and get a better job.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clear four-part plan: introduction, one paragraph on hard work and determination, one paragraph on money and looks, then a short conclusion with your view.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more clearly with simple words such as “First”, “However”, “For example”, and “As a result”. Some sentences now jump from one idea to another too fast.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph focus on one main idea. The paragraph about smart work, saving money, and business has useful points, but explain how these points answer the main question.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid unclear sentence starts such as “Let's consider that children from millionaire”. Write complete, direct sentences, for example: “Children from rich families may have an easier start in life.”
task response
You give a clear personal view and try to compare people from rich and poor families.
task response
Your point about smart work, skills, saving money, and starting a business is relevant to success in life.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use contrast words such as “However” and “On the other hand” to show different views.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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