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Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Competitiveness is considered a good quality in most societies nowadays. How does it affect individuals? Do you think this is positive or negative development?

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Introduction
The trait of competition among people is reasoned as an excellent quality in most parts of the world.
This
Linking Words
 behaviour is healthy , as it helps individuals to raise their self-esteem and contribute more to society. I will elaborate more on my ideas in the upcoming essay.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, it is evident in history that
,
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apply
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 the places where there was a
competiton
Correct your spelling
competition
 among the folks , they contributed more to their dwelling place. When humans try to break their threshold, they achieve more.
For example
Linking Words
,
In
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in
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 ancient Greece, the debates were held between the renowned thinkers. These competitions gave us famous
philospher
Fix the agreement mistake
philosophers
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such
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 as Socrates. Now we use their wisdom in our present time.
This
Linking Words
 behaviour helps folks to gain more
,
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apply
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 and become
role
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a role
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 model for others.
Body paragraph 2
Moving forward,
this
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 habit can
either
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apply
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be in
bussiness
Correct your spelling
business
,education or even sports. We have seen lots of examples where people have achieved
such
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 feats
,
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 that were considered impossible in past.
For example
Linking Words
, it was thought that humans
can
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could
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 never leave the gravity of
earth
Capitalize the proper name
Earth
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, but the space race between NASA and
USSR
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the USSR
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,
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apply
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put
the
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apply
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Yuri
Gagrain
Correct your spelling
Gagarin
 into space.
Same
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The same
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 can be said about 1969 Apollo eleven's landing on
moon
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the moon
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the habit of competing with other fellows have lead to the development of
whole
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the whole
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 human race and has contributed to
upliftment
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the upliftment
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 of life
standard
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standards
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 in every part of the world.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You explain that competition can help people, but you do not clearly say how it can also harm them. Give a clear view: it is mostly good only when it is fair and does not make people feel too much stress.
task response
Make your main ideas more clear. For example, explain how competition can raise self-esteem: people set goals, work hard, and feel proud when they improve. Then explain how this can help work, study, or sport.
task response
Your history and space examples are useful, but add more detail about the link to the question. Say exactly how the Greek debates or the space race changed the lives of people.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clearer plan: introduction with your view, one body part on good effects, one body part on bad effects or limits, and a conclusion that repeats your view.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body part with one clear main sentence. Then give an example and explain it. Some ideas now move too fast from one point to another.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as 'For example', 'As a result', 'However', and 'Therefore' can show the link between your ideas more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same focus in each paragraph. The second body part lists business, education, sport, and space, but it does not fully explain one main point.
task response
You give a clear positive view from the start and keep this view through the essay.
task response
You use real examples from Greece and space travel. These make your ideas feel more real.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion, so the reader can follow the overall shape.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful signpost words, such as 'To begin with', 'For example', and 'In conclusion'.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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