IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In a number of countries, some people think it is necessary to spend large sums of money on constructing new railway lines for very fast trains between cities. Others believe the money should be spent on improving existing public transport. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
The technological advancements in
present
Correct article usage
the present
show examples
 century
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 improved connectivity between different places. Some individuals believe that
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should spend more on new
railway
Use synonyms
systems
Use synonyms
, but others believe that existing community transport
systems
Use synonyms
 should be
approved
Verb problem
improved
show examples
. I believe that
balance
Replace the word
a balanced
 approach should be made , and in
this
Linking Words
 upcoming
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 I will elaborate on my ideas.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
Linking Words
 with, the advancement in technology has made inter-city connectivity a lot faster
as
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
compared to
past
Correct article usage
the past
show examples
. It is believed that
fast
Correct article usage
a fast
show examples
 rail
system
Use synonyms
 between different destinations can reduce
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
travel time
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
and
more
Verb problem
be more
show examples
 economically viable. It is well established that rapid transit
systems
Use synonyms
 are
environment
Replace the word
environmentally
 friendly , and require less maintainence to existing
systems
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
,
Bullet
Correct article usage
the bullet
show examples
 train in Japan
is
Wrong verb form
has been
show examples
 running
,
Change preposition
for
show examples
 almost
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
three decades ,and it is more sustainable
as
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
compared to traditional
systems
Use synonyms
. It saves money for both the government and
general
Correct article usage
the general
show examples
 public.
Body paragraph 2
On
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 hand, new fast
railway
Use synonyms
systems
Use synonyms
 can cost more during construction as compared to the
system
Use synonyms
 we already use. The modern fast connectivity
system
Use synonyms
 requires complex knowledge and more skilled workers for setting up.
Moreover
Linking Words
, these new fast
railway
Use synonyms
systems
Use synonyms
 cannot take
place
Correct article usage
the place
show examples
 of cargo trains ,as they are not designed to carry heavy loads.
For example
Linking Words
,
high speed
Correct your spelling
high-speed
 rails only carry
cummuters
Correct your spelling
commuters
 but not cargo.
Therefore
Linking Words
, we still need to upgrade our existing public transport services. Even roads cannot be replaced by new rail tracks, because it is not possible to build tracks
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 every place.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should build
new
Punctuation problem
new,
show examples
 faster
railway
Use synonyms
systems
Use synonyms
, but
also
Linking Words
 should maintain the existing public transport
system
Use synonyms
.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view. To make your view stronger, say clearly what balance means: how much money should go to fast trains and how much to buses, roads, and local trains.
task response
Develop each main point more. Explain why fast trains save money, as building them can cost a lot. Also explain how better local transport helps more people in daily life.
task response
Your Japan example is useful, but make it more exact. Say how fast trains help people travel between cities and why this is good for the public.
task response
Avoid ideas that do not fully support your main point. The point about cargo trains is useful, but link it more clearly to why old transport still needs money.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an ending. Use clearer links between ideas, such as “However”, “In contrast”, and “As a result”.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one clear focus in each body part. The first part should be only about the good side of fast rail. The second part should be only about why existing transport needs better service.
coherence and cohesion
Make the first sentence of each body part state the main idea. Then give an explanation and one example. This will make your writing easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Do not use “In this upcoming essay”. Start more directly with your answer, for example: “This essay will discuss both views and argue that spending should be shared.”
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you show the good side of new fast rail, the need to improve current transport, and your own view.
task response
The example of Japan gives your ideas a real-world link.
coherence and cohesion
Your paragraphs are in a sensible order, and the ending gives a clear final view.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words such as “For instance”, “Moreover”, “Therefore”, and “In conclusion” to join ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • infrastructure
  • efficient
  • congestion
  • sustainable
  • environmentally friendly
  • connectivity
  • economic growth
  • public transportation
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