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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Caring for children is an important thing of the society. It is suggested that all mothers and fathers should be required to take childcare training courses. Do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
Careness of
children
Use synonyms
 is a crucial role for every member of society. An opinion suggests that all parents should take courses and internships in childcare. From my perspective, I firmly agree with the presented statement.
Body paragraph 1
Initially
Linking Words
, not all guardians have the skill of taking responsibility
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
children
Use synonyms
, which effectively means these training courses will help them raise
children
Use synonyms
 in an ideal way.
In addition
Linking Words
, kids must not face any shocks, and intensive caring is required, primarily because ignoring
this
Linking Words
 will cause severe mental issues,
such
Linking Words
 as autism.
For instance
Linking Words
, parents' arguments
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the presence of the child, or punishing him for anything he did accidentally, are major factors that heavily
affects
Correct subject-verb agreement
affect
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 his personality.
Consequently
Linking Words
, that child will face
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of confidence and bad feelings.
Body paragraph 2
Furthermore
Linking Words
, modern raising of
children
Use synonyms
 demands focusing on soft skills and leadership; to put it differently,
children
Use synonyms
 should grow up having the skill of communication,
unhesitation
Replace the word
confidence
, and fluency.
Therefore
Linking Words
, attending childcare training sessions will allow parents to raise their
children
Use synonyms
 in a
method
Check wording
way
show examples
 that strengthens the child's personality.
Moreover
Linking Words
, a proportion of mothers and fathers do not have ethics or manners, which means their
children
Use synonyms
 will mostly inherit their bad characteristics if parental orientation is not provided.
For instance
Linking Words
, recent statistics from British colleges revealed that 46 per cent of criminals inherited the bad behaviour of
his
Fix the agreement mistake
their
show examples
 guardians and deepened it.
Conclusion
In conclusion, childcare development programs are essential for all individuals who will raise kids, because they will acquire the skill and knowledge of raising, which involves teaching good ethics, robusting the personality, and preventing them from having mental problems.

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task response
You give a clear view and support it with two main reasons. To make your answer stronger, explain why training should be required for every parent, not only why it may help some parents.
task response
Be careful with big claims. Do not say that poor care causes autism, as this is not true. Say that poor care can harm a child’s feelings, trust, or sense of safety.
task response
Your examples are linked to the topic, but the example about crime is too broad and is not fully explained. Use a simple real-life example, such as a parent learning how to deal with a child’s fear or bad behavior.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an ending. Keep one main idea in each body part and explain it step by step.
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas are clear, such as “Furthermore” and “Therefore.” However, use fewer linking words when they do not add meaning. Make the reason and result clear in each sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Some phrases are hard to follow, such as “modern raising of children demands focusing on soft skills.” Use simpler wording: “Today, parents also need to teach children how to talk to others and work with people.”
task response
You clearly agree with the idea and stay focused on child care throughout the essay.
task response
You include useful points about children’s mental health, good behavior, and communication skills.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction clearly gives your view, and the ending brings your main ideas together.
coherence and cohesion
Your body parts begin with clear topic ideas, which helps the reader follow your argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • care
  • children
  • society
  • important
  • parents
  • training
  • skills
  • understand
  • needs
  • situations
  • behavior
  • safety
  • relationship
  • trust
  • love
  • outcomes
  • healthy
  • successful
  • future
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