IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

All the people in a company should be treated equally and provided with the same number of holidays in a year or people doing different jobs enjoy different amount of holiday time. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Companies often have a large
amount
Check wording
number
show examples
 of personnel, with different levels of expertise and obligations. There is an intense debate about whether they should all have the same holiday
time
Use synonyms
. I strongly agree with the idea of having the same vacation
time
Use synonyms
 for all employees based on 2 key reasons
:
Punctuation problem
:
show examples
 1) The amount of worktime and 2) The well-being benefits of resting.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
Linking Words
, it is necessary to acknowledge the fact that, regardless of the worker's position, having a job is equally
time
Use synonyms
-consuming for both executives and juniors.
Due to
Linking Words
 the explicit job clauses or level of responsibility, every person involved in a company
is spending
Wrong verb form
spends
show examples
 most of their hours working
instead
Linking Words
 of having
time
Use synonyms
 for their families
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
thus
Linking Words
, these rewarding recesses are vital for every servant.
For instance
Linking Words
, both a CEO and a junior engineer in a working site might spend 8 to 12 hours a day executing their responsibilities, much to the neglect of interacting with peers or relatives. The idea of enjoying different resting times based on their position is clearly unfair to the person's effort.
Body paragraph 2
In addition
Linking Words
, it becomes strictly necessary for both the enterprise and the employee to have fair and equal holidays for well-being reasons. Resting is a basic human need
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
therefore
Linking Words
, the lack of leisure
time
Use synonyms
 could severely aggravate the staff's health and professional performance.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
besides
Linking Words
 physical health, spending quality
time
Use synonyms
 with relatives clearly improves a person's mental health. In that regard, an employee with remarkable psychological welfare will deliver a better working output to the enterprise .
This
Linking Words
 is a consequence of a well-rewarded holiday
time
Use synonyms
.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 intensely agree with the idea of guaranteeing an equal and fair leisure
time
Use synonyms
 for all the people in a company. It is a fair benefit for all the personnel who spend an equal amount of
time
Use synonyms
 labouring , and,
in addition
Linking Words
, it delivers
form
Use the right word
several
show examples
 benefits and working efficiency during the labour
time
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Your view is clear: you agree that all workers should have the same holiday time. To make the answer stronger, also explain why some people may support more holiday for some jobs, such as hard physical work or night work, and then say why you still disagree.
task response
Your two main ideas are useful: all workers give much time to work, and rest helps health. Add one more clear link to the question: equal holiday time should not depend only on job name or level in the company.
task response
The example of a CEO and a junior engineer supports your first point. Make it more exact by saying that both may work long days, even if their work is not the same.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: introduction, two main parts, and conclusion. Keep this simple plan in future essays.
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas can be smoother. For example, after the first point, begin the next part with: “A second reason is that equal holiday time supports workers’ health.”
coherence and cohesion
Avoid using numbers in the introduction, such as “1)” and “2)”. Write the ideas as full sentences instead, as this sounds more natural in an essay.
coherence and cohesion
A few words make your meaning less clear. Use “workers” or “employees” instead of “servant”, and use “holiday time” or “leave” instead of “rewarding recesses”.
task response
You answer the main question directly and keep the same clear opinion from the start to the end.
task response
Your health point is relevant and well explained: rest can help both mental health and work quality.
coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph has one central idea, so the reader can follow your argument easily.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion clearly restates your view and refers back to the two main reasons.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: