IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Childhood obesity has become a serious problem in recent years. What are the primary causes of this? What measures should be taken to reduce childhood obesity?

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Introduction
Nowadays, infants are facing a serious problem of obesity. The issue seems to be happening globally , even for developed countries. The main cause of the problem is the substitution of
mother’s
Use synonyms
milk
Use synonyms
 for formula
milk
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. To address
this
Linking Words
, the education and material support for an early family are needed. Analysing why it becomes the major cause and explaining the solutions to overcome that will answer the question of how to reduce the number of overweight children.
Body paragraph 1
In modern eras, mothers face several problems ,
such
Linking Words
 as limited time to take care of the
baby
Use synonyms
 because they are working to support their family, leaving them with no choice but to give their
baby
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 formula
milk
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.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the health issue prevents mothers from breastfeeding their
baby
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,
for instance
Linking Words
, the
milk
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 doesn’t flow out.
As a result
Linking Words
, formula
milk
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 with unhealthy amounts of sugar and fat replaces the pure nutrients of
mother’s
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milk
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.
Body paragraph 2
In order to prevent that from happening, a lot of support is needed for women from an early stage.
First,
Linking Words
the parents have to be aware that the needs of
mother’s
Use synonyms
milk
Use synonyms
 are non-negotiable because of
nutrients
Correct article usage
the nutrients
show examples
 and bonding effects between mother and
baby
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.
Second,
Linking Words
the preparation of vitamins and foods that have to be consumed by pregnant women. The husband needs to guarantee these needs, so that later the supply of
milk
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 would not be a problem.
Third,
Linking Words
the tools and scheduling to pump the
milk
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 for working mothers have to be planned.
Conclusion
All in all, the increase in processed
milk
Use synonyms
 consumption for children is projected as the primary cause of childhood obesity
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 preparation from the early stage of pregnancy is needed, so the parents can still provide their
baby
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 with their
mother’s
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milk
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. As awareness is increasing, I believe the issue will progressively decline.

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Task response
You answer both parts of the question: causes and ways to reduce the problem. However, the essay gives too much attention to milk. Childhood obesity also comes from fast food, sweet drinks, little exercise, and too much time on phones or TV. Add at least one more main cause and a matching way to deal with it.
Task response
Some points about formula milk are too strong. Formula milk does not always cause obesity. Explain that weight gain may happen when children have too much food, sweet drinks, or little activity. This will make your ideas more fair and clear.
Task response
Give more clear examples. For example, schools can offer healthy lunches and daily sports, while parents can limit sweet drinks and screen time. These examples are more directly linked to older children, not only babies.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. Keep this plan, but make each body paragraph focus on one clear main idea. The first body paragraph can cover causes, and the second can cover steps by parents, schools, and the state.
Coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. Words such as “Moreover”, “As a result”, “First”, “Second”, and “All in all” help the reader. Also use links between ideas, such as “Another cause is…”, “To deal with this…”, and “For this reason…”.
Coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the word order is not clear. For example, write “Pregnant women need healthy food and vitamins” instead of “the preparation of vitamins and foods that have to be consumed by pregnant women.” Use short, direct sentences.
Task response
You give a clear main cause and several steps that parents can take, such as learning about breast milk, eating healthy food during pregnancy, and planning milk pumping at work.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow overall. It has an introduction, body paragraphs for causes and steps, and a conclusion that returns to the main idea.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • childhood obesity
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • processed foods
  • nutritional value
  • physical education
  • healthy eating habits
  • screen time
  • advertising influence
  • socioeconomic status
  • dietary choices
  • healthy lifestyle
  • early intervention
  • community programs
  • public health initiatives
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