IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

ome people think that mothers should spend most of their time raising their family, and therefore the government should support them financially. Do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
Mothers
Use synonyms
 play an essential role in the upbringing of their children. It is often argued that the
government
Use synonyms
 should support
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
mothers
Use synonyms
 financially
as
Punctuation problem
, as
show examples
 being a mom is a
full time
Correct your spelling
full-time
 job. I personally
beleive
Correct your spelling
believe
 that when
mothers
Use synonyms
 get paid by the
state
Punctuation problem
state,
show examples
this
Linking Words
 makes them
financial
Replace the word
financially
 independent
so
Punctuation problem
, so
show examples
 they don't regret
Linking Words
while
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
taking career breaks.
Body paragraph 1
In
this
Linking Words
 modern
era
Punctuation problem
era,
show examples
 where everyone is so busy
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
making their career successful
becoming
Punctuation problem
, becoming
show examples
 a
mother
Use synonyms
 feels like a tough job. As a
Use synonyms
mother
Punctuation problem
mother,
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 you have to give a lot of your time to the children, family members and to the other household chores without getting any reward
Punctuation problem
. As
show examples
as a
Linking Words
result
Punctuation problem
result,
show examples
 it is
diffcult
Correct your spelling
difficult
 to focus on their careers. The
government
Use synonyms
 should make policies
where they
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 give financial support to all
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
mothers
Punctuation problem
mothers,
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 irrespective of their background
so
Punctuation problem
, so
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 they can perform their duties as
a
Fix the agreement mistake
mothers
show examples
mother
Use synonyms
 without being stressed and worried about their finances.
However
Linking Words
, in many
countries
Add a comma
countries,
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 there are paid maternal leaves for up to six months to one year
for supporting
Wrong verb form
to support
show examples
 a new
mother
Use synonyms
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 decreases the rate of postpartum depression.
This
Linking Words
 is a policy for working women
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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 there are many unemployed
mothers
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 who need financial support
so
Punctuation problem
, so
show examples
for them
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
government
Use synonyms
 should decide on formulating a policy.
Body paragraph 2
Secondly
Linking Words
, if
mothers
Use synonyms
 get supported by the
Use synonyms
government
Punctuation problem
government,
show examples
 they can raise their kids better and focus on their health as well because money is essential in
this
Linking Words
 era of technology. With the
money
Add a comma
money,
show examples
 they can
also
Linking Words
 hire help for
them
Correct pronoun usage
themselves
show examples
 and make their lifestyle better.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
mothers
Use synonyms
 should get paid by the
government
Use synonyms
 to perform their role without being depressed and worried about their finances.
This
Linking Words
 will create a happy society.

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task response
Your view is clear: the state should give money to mothers. To make your answer stronger, explain why this should be for all mothers, not only for mothers with low pay or no job.
task response
Develop each main point more. For example, say how state pay can help a child, a mother, and the family, then give a real or clear made-up case.
task response
Be careful with the point about paid leave. Paid leave is not the same as long-term state pay for mothers. Explain this link more clearly.
task response
You mention stress and health, but the ideas are quite general. Add clear details, such as food, child care, health care, or help at home.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an end. Make the second body part as full as the first one, with a main idea, explanation, and example.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear link words to show the path of your ideas: 'First', 'For example', 'As a result', and 'In addition'. Do not use too many links in one long sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are very long and hold many ideas. Split them into shorter sentences so the reader can follow your point more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same key words. For example, use 'financially independent' or 'financially secure' in a clear way, and explain that state support gives mothers their own money.
task response
You answer the question directly and give a clear view from the start to the end.
task response
Your points about money worries, health, and child care are linked well to the life of a mother.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear basic shape: an introduction, two main parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
The move from mothers' work and money needs to the effect on children and health is easy to understand.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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