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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that in the digital age, theatres and cinemas are no longer important as people can watch all the entertainment they want online. Others argue that theatres and cinemas are still important both economically and culturally. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Introduction
In the modern era, many
people
Use synonyms
prefers
Correct subject-verb agreement
prefer
show examples
 to watch
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movie
Check wording
movies
show examples
 in
cinemas
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 and
theatres
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.
While
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 some other
people
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 argue that
theatres
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 and
cinemas
Use synonyms
 plays and important role
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 our
country
Use synonyms
 both economically and culturally.
This
Linking Words
 essay
eludicates
Correct your spelling
elucidates
 both the relevant views with examples, with my point of view.
Body paragraph 1
On the
first
Correct determiner usage
one
show examples
 hand, some
people
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 think that watching
cinemas
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 are far more relevant because of the
flexebility
Correct your spelling
flexibility
. Watchers can see any
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movies
Fix the agreement mistake
movie
show examples
 or any series at any time and
at
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from
show examples
 any place around the world.
For example
Linking Words
, a boy named
ram
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Ram
show examples
 wants to watch a
documantary
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documentary
movie
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 because of
this
Linking Words
 school project, but there are no shows
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
cinemas
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, so he watched that
movie
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 online on a ott platform.
because
Capitalize the word
Because
show examples
 of
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this
Punctuation problem
this,
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this
Linking Words
 project was completed
at
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on
show examples
 time.
Moreover
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, watching
movies
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 or series will save your
movie
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 ticket and
also
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there
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the
show examples
 transportation cost.
Body paragraph 2
On the
second
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other
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 hand,
Watching
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watching
show examples
movies
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 in
cinemas
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 and
theatres
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 helps
people
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 to get
movie
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 vibes and far more experisience that home.
Theatres
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uses
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use
show examples
 modern technology like
sound
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a sound
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 system and
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also
Correct determiner usage
a
show examples
 projector.
For example
Linking Words
, a report shows that using modern technology helps
people
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 to get
better
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a better
show examples
experisence
Correct your spelling
experience
 of that
movie
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like
Punctuation problem
, like
show examples
 watching
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movie
Correct article usage
a movie
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 in
4dx
Capitalize the proper name
4DX
show examples
, 3d or on imax screen ,
this
Linking Words
 helps our
country
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 in
innovation
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the innovation
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 of other
technology
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technologies
show examples
.
Furthermore
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, cinema and
theatres
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 provides job to the
people
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 who are in need,
this
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 helps our
country
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 in
growth
Correct article usage
the growth
show examples
 of
gdp
Capitalize the proper name
GDP
show examples
.
Body paragraph 3
In my opinion,
Watching
Fix capitalization
watching
show examples
movies
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 online
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 far more advantage
then
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 watching
movies
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 in
cinemas
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 and
theatres
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. Watching
movies
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 online not only
provide
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provides
show examples
 flexibility but
also
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 helps to lower the cost of the ticket and
transportion
Correct your spelling
transportation
.
Conclusion
To conclude
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,
theatres
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 and
cinemas
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has
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have
show examples
 played
and
Correct determiner usage
an
show examples
 important role in creating
job
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jobs
show examples
 and
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the growth of the
country
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, but watching
movies
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 online has far more
benifit
Correct your spelling
benefits
, which are flexibility and savings.

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task response
You discuss both views and give your own view. However, the first view is not fully clear. Explain that some people think cinemas are less important because online films are easy to watch at home, at any time.
task response
Develop each main idea more. For online watching, add points such as low cost, choice, and ease. For cinemas and theatres, explain the shared feeling, large screen, local jobs, and money for nearby shops.
task response
Your example about a boy watching a film for a school task is clear, but it is too small to prove the main point. Use a more general example, such as families who use online services because cinema tickets and travel cost a lot.
task response
Your own view is clear, but give a fuller reason. You can say online watching is better for daily use, while cinemas and theatres still have value for big films, live shows, and special events.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: introduction, first view, second view, your view, and conclusion. Keep this order, but make the introduction state both sides more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear link words carefully: "On the one hand", "On the other hand", "For example", "Moreover", and "In conclusion". Do not repeat "because of this" in the same sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph start with one clear main idea. Then give an explanation and one example. This will make your writing easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because they join too many ideas. For example, split the sentence about saving ticket and travel costs into two short sentences.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: both views, your own view, reasons, and examples.
task response
You give useful ideas about ease and low cost of online watching, as well as jobs and new tools in cinemas.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay uses clear paragraph breaks and has both an introduction and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words such as "For example", "Moreover", and "Furthermore" to connect ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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