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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

While mobile phones have many advantages, a number of problems have also resulted from them or the ways in which they are used. What are some of these problems? What solutions can you suggest for solving these problems?

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Introduction
Today
there
Punctuation problem
, there
show examples
 are many benefits and drawbacks of using mobile
phones
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. There are over
the
Correct article usage
apply
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8 billion
of
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apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 in the World and the largest proportion of
people
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 are
phone
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 users. Mobile
phone
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 is the most
genius
Correct word choice
ingenious
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 creation of
the
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apply
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humanity. There are many beneficial things
of
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about
show examples
 using
phones
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but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
Linking Words
also there are
Correct word order
there are also
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 some disadvantages that seriously impact
on
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apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
of
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in
show examples
this
Linking Words
 century.
Body paragraph 1
Linking Words
Firstly
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Firstly,
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phones
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 were created only for communication between
people
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in
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over
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 long distances
and
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, and
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 not everyone could afford that service. 
Linking Words
However
Punctuation problem
However,
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 today we can replace a new good
phone
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 with a better one in a short period.
Body paragraph 2
Phone
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's beneficial things include
:
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 searching
information
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for information
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 in short periods with a good internet connection, taking
high quality
Correct your spelling
high-quality
 pictures and videos, using apps and social media platforms for communicating. 
People
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 can call each other even from
the
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apply
show examples
other continents and use video calls.
Nowadays
Punctuation problem
Nowadays,
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people
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 use video calls even for medicine and other professional
sphere
Fix the agreement mistake
spheres
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.
For instance
Linking Words
,
people
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 can afford
work
Verb problem
to work
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 with psychologists through
the
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apply
show examples
online platforms
which
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, which
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is an
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 amazingly available for
people
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 who work a lot.
Also
Linking Words
, from my point of
view
Add a comma
view,
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 it's very useful for learning languages
,
Punctuation problem
.
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 I have taken online English classes. Students who live and study abroad can call
to
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apply
show examples
their parents every day
Punctuation problem
, even
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even for
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apply
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many times
in
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apply
show examples
a day.
Body paragraph 3
On
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
hand
Add a comma
hand,
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 there are some disadvantages which include some factors of anxiety, depression, burnout syndrome for
people
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 of all ages
especially
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, especially
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 between 15 and 55. It was mentioned by me because in many
researchs
Check wording
research studies
show examples
 about depression and burnout syndrome
were mentioned especially
Correct word order
, the phone was mentioned
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phone
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 as a key of these issues.
People
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 can afford online communication and prefer
this
Linking Words
 method
than
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to
show examples
 the real world. Even for dating
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people
Punctuation problem
, people
show examples
 over 21 prefer using social media
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 that's the reason for loneliness in
modern
Correct article usage
the modern
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 world. If we go to the restaurant or public places, we will see that everyone
look
Correct subject-verb agreement
looks
show examples
 at their
phone
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 monitors.
People
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 forgot about
the
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apply
show examples
real life and replaced it with
phones
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.
For example
Linking Words
, in
Japan
Add a comma
Japan,
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 there are many
people
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in age
Replace the word
aged
 15
and
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to
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 65 who use
phones
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 and don't talk to real
persons
Check wording
people
show examples
. Adults purchase
phones
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 and tablets for their toddlers
that is
Linking Words
 sad.
Moreover
Linking Words
, when parents make attempts to take
phones
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 from their children, children make many emotional protests. The humanity are addicted
by
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to
show examples
phones
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 and think that
can't
Correct pronoun usage
they can't
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 live without
it
Fix the agreement mistake
them
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. Today, there are not many solutions for
this
Linking Words
 problem. I recommend
to make
Wrong verb form
making
show examples
 days without
phones
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 and electronic gadgets.
Linking Words
Also
Add a comma
Also,
show examples
 I suggest
to
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apply
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not
buy
Wrong verb form
buying
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 and allow for using
phones
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 before 16 y.o.
Conclusion
In conclusion, there are many advantages
in contrast
Linking Words
of
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to the
show examples
 disadvantages of using
phones
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, and we should find solutions
for solving
Wrong verb form
to solve
show examples
 these problems.

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task response
Answer both parts in a more direct way. Name the main problems first, such as phone use too much, less face-to-face talk, poor sleep, and risks for children. Then give a clear solution for each problem.
task response
Your essay spends a lot of time on the good sides of phones. The question asks about problems and ways to solve them, so keep the part about good sides very short or leave it out.
task response
Make your ideas more exact. For example, explain how phone use can cause worry or low mood: people may compare their lives with other people online, lose sleep, or spend less time with family and friends.
task response
Give stronger solutions. You can suggest screen-time limits, no-phone times at home and school, phone-free meals, help from parents, and lessons at school about safe phone use. Explain how each idea can help.
task response
Be careful with very broad claims, such as saying phones are the key cause of depression. Use softer words like “may lead to” or “can make the problem worse.”
coherence and cohesion
Use a clearer four-part plan: an introduction, one paragraph on problems, one paragraph on solutions, and a conclusion. This will make the answer easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Start each main paragraph with one clear main idea. For example: “One major problem is phone addiction.” Then add reasons and one example before moving to the next idea.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each paragraph on one job. The second paragraph mainly lists benefits, while the next paragraph has many different problems. Group similar ideas together and link each solution to the problem it solves.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words more clearly: “First”, “Also”, “However”, “As a result”, “For example”, and “To solve this problem”. Avoid repeating “people can afford” when you mean “people can” or “people are able to”.
coherence and cohesion
Make the conclusion more complete. Restate the main problems and say that limits and better habits can reduce them. Do not bring in a new idea at the end.
task response
You give several real problems, including addiction, less real-world talk, loneliness, and problems for children.
task response
You include personal and real-life examples, such as online English classes, video calls, and children who find it hard to stop using phones.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, so the reader can see the basic shape of your answer.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful links between ideas, such as “Firstly”, “However”, “For instance”, “Moreover”, and “In conclusion”.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • advantages
  • problems
  • solutions
  • distractions
  • health
  • social isolation
  • community
  • addiction
  • interaction
  • productivity
  • attention
  • excessive
  • breaks
  • promote
  • users
  • awareness
  • well-being
  • management
  • effective
  • strains
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