IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that the provision of healthcare is the responsibility of the state, while others believe the individual to be responsible for the costs of their own healthcare. To what extent do you agree or disagree with these perspectives?

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Introduction
Individuals think that the
government
Use synonyms
 should take repondsibility in a part of the healthcare service for
people
Use synonyms
. In my opinion, I strongly agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement , and the following examples will be provided in order to support my point of view.
Body paragraph 1
One of the most important reasons why the
government
Use synonyms
 must play a major role in
this
Linking Words
 is that
people
Use synonyms
 tend to rely on the health service which
provided
Verb problem
is provided
show examples
 by the state because nowadays individuals cannot afford the dramatic expenses to access private hospitals.
For example
Linking Words
,
according to
Linking Words
 a survey conducted by a public hospital in Udon Thani, it was revealed that 80% of the population in the city tend to be impressed when they do not need to worry about expense becuase the authorities take responsibility.
This
Linking Words
 example shows that the state is the main supporter
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 citizens.
Body paragraph 2
Another reason to support
this
Linking Words
 is the fact that the health service is a fundamental for human well-being.
This
Linking Words
 is because the
government
Use synonyms
 should not put pressure on citizens to be reponsible their onw cost for health,
while
Linking Words
 many elderly persons are not able to take care of cost.
Use synonyms
Government
Correct article usage
The government
show examples
 should give hands to
this
Linking Words
 group of
people
Use synonyms
. To illustrate
this
Linking Words
, in many hospital still new wheelchairs for disabilities patiens.
This
Linking Words
 case demonstrates that the authorities are the most crucial
player
Fix the agreement mistake
players
show examples
 in
this
Linking Words
 situation.
Conclusion
In conclusion, it is undoubtedly true that
people
Use synonyms
 should not take responsibilities for themself but gorvernment must step in and help citizens to be able to access more easily.

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task response
State your view more clearly. You agree that the state should pay for healthcare, but you should also say what people may still pay for, such as private care or small costs.
task response
Explain both sides of the question. Show why some people think each person should pay, then explain why you do not fully agree with that view.
task response
Make each main idea clearer. For example, say that state care helps poor people, old people, and people with serious health problems.
task response
Use examples that directly support your point. The survey example needs more detail, such as what care was free and how this helped people. The wheelchair example is not clear and does not strongly show who should pay.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an end. Make the link between sentences smoother by using simple words such as “because”, “therefore”, “however”, and “as a result” in the right places.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each body part. In the first body part, focus only on high hospital costs. In the second, focus only on healthcare as a basic need.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same point that the government should help. Add a new reason or explain the same reason in more depth.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear sentence forms. For example: “The health service provided by the state helps people who cannot pay for private hospitals.” This is easier to follow than long or broken sentences.
task response
You give a clear opinion from the start and keep this opinion through the essay.
task response
You choose two useful main ideas: high health costs and the need to protect old people and other people in need.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear overall order: introduction, two main body parts, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words, such as “For example”, “This is because”, and “In conclusion”, to guide the reader.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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