IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Today, many people want to get married and have children in their thirties rather than when they are younger. Is it a positive or negative development?

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Introduction
Nowadays, getting married and having
children
Use synonyms
 in
people
Use synonyms
's
thirties
Use synonyms
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 become
popular
Rephrase
more popular
show examples
 than when they are younger
, it
Punctuation problem
. It
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 seems to me that
this
Linking Words
 situation could be a positive trend rather than
negative
Correct article usage
a negative
show examples
 development, which I will elaborate
in
Change preposition
on in
show examples
 my essay below.
Body paragraph 1
Looking first at the negative side, we should not ignore what
this
Linking Words
 situation may bring about. The problem with getting married and having
children
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 for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
several
people
Use synonyms
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their
thirties
Use synonyms
 is that they do not have enough energy to raise kids, since some scientists
tell
Verb problem
say
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 that
people
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 do not have
energy as much
Correct word order
as much energy
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 as when they
are
Wrong verb form
were
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 in their twenties, leading to some mental problems
such
Linking Words
 as depression and anxiety.
This
Linking Words
 condition could be affecting
children
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's
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
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,
for example
Linking Words
, they would become more passive, dependent, and
unopen minded
Correct your spelling
unopen-minded
 in order to express their emotions.
Body paragraph 2
Turning to the positive side, we can say that a group of thirty-year-olds have more financial security, since many of them have saved enough money for raising
children
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 in their twenties, so that they would not worry about necessities for raising
children
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.
In addition
Linking Words
, it could be seen that
people
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 in their
thirties
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 are more toughtful to arrange their money, since they have enough experience
about
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in
show examples
 life and have
learnt
Correct your spelling
learned
 from
mistakes
Correct article usage
the mistakes
show examples
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
they have
done
Verb problem
made
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.
Moreover
Linking Words
, they know how to control their ego, communicate with a cool head and resolve
conflict
Check wording
conflicts
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 wisely.
Conclusion
To conclude
Linking Words
, I would argue that
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon should be seen as a positive development rather than a negative one.
Linking Words
this
Capitalize the word
This
show examples
 is because of the fact that
people
Use synonyms
 in their
thirties
Use synonyms
 are more prepared in order to raise
children
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 and solve household problems.

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task response
Give a clearer main view in the first part: say that this is mainly a good change, even though there are some bad points. Your view is clear, but it could be stronger from the start.
task response
Develop each main point more fully. For example, explain how having more money can help parents give a child a safe home, good food, and good care.
task response
Be careful with broad claims about people in their thirties having less energy or children becoming passive. These ideas need a clear reason and a real-life example, or they may not sound true.
task response
Add one specific example. For instance, describe a couple who work and save money before having a child, then can spend less time worrying about bills.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: introduction, bad side, good side, and conclusion. Keep this strong shape.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link between the bad side and your final view clearer. After the bad point, say why the good points are more important.
coherence and cohesion
Use shorter sentences in a few places. Long sentences with many ideas can be hard to follow. Put one main idea in each sentence where possible.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as 'however', 'therefore', and 'as a result' can show the exact link between your ideas more clearly.
task response
You answer the question directly and give a clear view that this is mostly a good change.
task response
You include both sides of the issue, then explain why you support one side more.
coherence and cohesion
The main parts are easy to find, and the conclusion matches the view in the introduction.
coherence and cohesion
The move from the bad side to the good side is clear and helps the reader follow your plan.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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