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Band 5

some people believe should learn a foreign language from the time they start school, while others believe it is better to wait until a child is at secondary school. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
There are several opinions about the best time to study a foreign
language
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.
While
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 some people argue that the secondary
school
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 is the right level, I side with those who think that we should learn a non-native
language
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 as soon as we get into
school
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.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, learning a new
language
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 at secondary
school
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 might be good.
This
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 is mainly because our brain is more developed than before, and it means
,
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apply
show examples
 we can learn new things more easily. The example is when we are still little kids, we can barely control our attitude and behaviour, so it is hard to sit down in class and study properly. So, it might be easier to learn at the secondary level.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, learning a new vocabulary at the very first stage of
school
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 still sounds better. It will make us, the children, get more used to and familiar with another way of speaking.
Although
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 we might find it hard to spell and talk, our brains catch
this
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 knowledge and make it easier to learn later.
For instance
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, children who actively listen to their teacher when reading a book story in
a
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apply
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different words than usual, can get a few new words and know how to use
it
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them
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.
Conclusion
To conclude
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, in terms of getting an understanding of the knowledge,
although
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 learning non-native languages at the early stages of
academy
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the academy
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 is not as effective as at the next level,
this
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 moment will make them become more familiar, and so that they can learn it easily in the future.
Therefore
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, I believe it is better for the children to start studying a foreign
language
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at the
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in
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 primary
school
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.

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task response
You discuss both views and give your own view clearly. To make your answer stronger, explain more fully why older children may learn more easily and why younger children may gain more from an early start.
task response
Some ideas need to be more exact. For example, a more developed brain does not always mean that a child learns a new language more easily. Explain what older children can do better, such as focus for longer or understand rules.
task response
Use examples that are more real and clear. The book-story example is hard to follow. You could describe children hearing simple songs, games, or classroom words every day.
task response
Make your own view fully clear from start to end. You say early learning is better, but the last paragraph says it is not as effective at first. Explain that early learning may be slow at first but helps later learning.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: introduction, one side, the other side, and conclusion. Keep this plan in future essays.
coherence and cohesion
Start each main paragraph with one clear main idea, then add an explanation and one example. This will help each paragraph stay on one point.
coherence and cohesion
Link some sentences more smoothly. For example, replace repeated words such as “it means” and “so” with simple links like “because”, “as a result”, and “however”.
coherence and cohesion
Be careful with unclear words such as “this moment”, “this knowledge”, and “the next level”. Name the idea again so the reader knows exactly what you mean.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you show both sides and state your own view.
task response
Your opinion is easy to find. You support starting a foreign language in primary school.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are both present, and they match your main view.
coherence and cohesion
You use helpful paragraph links such as “To begin with”, “On the other hand”, and “To conclude”.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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