IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

n some countries, there are many social problems involving teenagers. Some people say this is because parents spend much of their time at work and not at home. Do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
These days, there have been problems when it comes to teenagers. Others believe that
parents
Use synonyms
 didn’t focus on their child's development;
instead
Linking Words
, they’re preoccupied with their jobs and status. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will give my opinion on whether I agree or disagree.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
Linking Words
 with, in
this
Linking Words
 generation,
parents
Use synonyms
 are busier than before because of the competitive work environment, where they should focus and work hard for their future. In
this
Linking Words
 case, the love and quality time for their
children
Use synonyms
 have been reduced.
For instance
Linking Words
, if the
parents
Use synonyms
 come home late every night, they feel exhausted already; they prefer to sleep rather than look after their
children
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, they will hire some nannies to look after their
children
Use synonyms
, where there’s no clear communication, bond,
and
Correct word choice
or
show examples
 memories created.
This
Linking Words
 can result in the
children
Use synonyms
 being rebellious and not following the rules of society.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
 do their best at work because they want to provide for all the needs of their family.
Also
Linking Words
, to improve their skills and positions;
therefore
Linking Words
, it’s easier for them to be promoted and have connections. But it always has risks; focusing too much on their career can neglect their
children
Use synonyms
 and leave them feeling all alone.
Conclusion
To conclude
Linking Words
, I agree that working
parents
Use synonyms
 have shortcomings for their kids, in terms of presence and emotional needs.
Also
Linking Words
, focusing on their job can limit the beautiful bond that they should have before their kids grow up and reach the stage of teenagers.
This
Linking Words
 is when they can guide, protect, and teach them how to be a good person.

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task response
Make your view clear in the first part. Say that you agree, or partly agree, and give the main reason. This will help the reader know your answer at once.
task response
Give more detail about why less time with parents may lead to teen problems. For example, explain how a teen may feel alone, seek help from bad friends, or have no one to set rules at home.
task response
Your second main part repeats the idea that parents work hard. Make it stronger by clearly linking it to your view: parents need money for the family, but work should not remove all time for care and talk at home.
task response
Use one clear, real-life example and explain its result. The example about parents coming home late is useful, but add what the teen does next and how this may cause a social problem.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an ending. To make the flow better, begin each main part with a short topic sentence that states its key point.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. "On the other hand" often shows an opposite view, but your next part still mostly supports your main idea. Try "However" or "At the same time" instead.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each main part focused on one idea. In the second part, move from parents' need to work to the risk for children in a clear order, with no extra ideas about status or connections unless you explain them.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid very long sentences with many ideas joined by commas or semicolons. Use shorter sentences so the link between cause and result is easy to follow.
task response
You answer the main question and clearly state your view again in the ending.
task response
You use a relevant example of parents arriving home late and being too tired to spend time with their children.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it has an introduction, main parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Cause-and-result links such as "Therefore" and "This can result in" help connect some of your ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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