IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people think that school should stop teaching students by using books, because students find them boring and that children can learn from films, TV, video games and computer instead. To what extend do you agree?

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Nowadays, many people argue that teaching adolescents by traditional methods via paper materials like
books
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 is useless
due to
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students
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 boredom feeling about
this
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.
Instead
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, they think that multimedia
resources
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 like TV, a multitude of films or video games tend to be more useful in teaching
students
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 some sophisticated subjects. I personally think that
books
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 are irreplaceable when it comes to learning something new. On the one hand,
books
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 are the main sources of useful knowledge from our ancestor's time. From early childhood, we enhanced our worldview overwhelmingly by reading a huge variety of novels of different genres. By reading tangible
resources
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 of treasured knowledge
students
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 stay more clever, aware and self-conscious.
Additionally
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, reading
books
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 cannot damage the health of juveniles, because it cannot influence the vision of adolescents.
Subsequently
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, it is absolutely safe and provides readers with a sense of presence in the atmosphere of the book. To cite an example, my nephew studies at school and since his toddler's time, he has not utilized contemporary appliances,
instead
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 of
this
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 his parents and grandparents have been reading narratives and scientific articles in different languages. It gives its fruits, and he can easily reinforce his knowledge by reading paper
books
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, he is keen on them and he is not suffering from life-threatening maladies.
On the other hand
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, we live in the 21st century and we cannot close our eyes and ignore that computers and other contemporary devices are our useful tools in daily routine.
Moreover
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, when it comes to video lessons on social media platforms, like YouTube, sophisticated materials presented in
such
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 straightforward ways, learning new subjects can be a pleasurable action. But, with the vast majority of developments in the learning process of teenagers at school or
students
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 at the university, video games, movies or TV
resources
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 cannot give them initial ideas of the authors of novels
for instance
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. Being a fun activity can be dangerous for both the physical and mental development of individuals.
To sum up
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, notwithstanding the advantages and beneficial sides of modern appliances in the learning process, tangible
resources
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 of information cannot be replaced at all.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay successfully introduces the topic and offers your stance clearly. However, make sure each paragraph has a distinct main idea to improve clarity.
coherence cohesion
Try to use transitional phrases more consistently to connect your ideas between sentences and paragraphs for better flow.
task achievement
While your examples support your main arguments, provide more specific details in each part to develop your points further.
coherence cohesion
Work on maintaining a consistent tone and avoid repetitive phrases for more effective communication.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion effectively frame your argument, making it easy for the reader to follow your overall standpoint.
task achievement
You provide relevant examples, such as your nephew, to support your claims, illustrating your points well.
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