IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In some countries, there are many social problems involving teenagers. This is because parents spend much of their time at work not at home. Do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
Whether the
abscence
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absence
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 of
parents
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 at home because of long working hours is causing an increase in social problems involving teenagers is a topic of considerable debate. In
this
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 essay,
i
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I
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 will
explan
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explain
 why
i
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I
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 strongly disagree with
this
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 statement.
Body paragraph 1
Parents
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 have always worked
,
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;
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 it is not a new problem. Many people can recall their
parents
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 working endless hours,
specially
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especially
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 in families with economic struggles. Implying that
this
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 statement is the main reason would simplify a much more complex issue.
Body paragraph 2
In the past, children used to be exposed to the world gradually.
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Initially
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Initially,
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 they would only interact with family members,
then
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 neighbourhood friends, primary school
after
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, after
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 that, high school and so on. They would gradually learn how to cope with emotions and gain some experience, escalating as they were prepared. Nowadays, in the internet era and the social media fever, we live in a
globalized
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globalised
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 world. Since they are aware of their
surroundings
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surroundings,
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 children are exposed to things they are not prepared
yet
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for yet
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.
Moreover
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, social media sells them a totally unrealistic life, and when comparing it with their
own
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own,
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 they tend to feel overwhelmed and even worthless.
Body paragraph 3
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Parents's
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Parents'
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 and children´s relationship has
also
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 changed. In our
days
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days,
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parents
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 are accused of being
over protective
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overprotective
as a result
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 of their kids being
over exposed
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overexposed
.
While
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 they should be gradually gaining some independence, children rely too much on their
parents
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.
I
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It
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 does not end with the end of teenage years. There was a study that stated that more
parents
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where
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were
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 getting involved in their kids´s college life and even jobs.
Conclusion
To sum up
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,
i
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I
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 believe that social problems regarding teenagers are related to a change in lifestyle
due to
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globalization
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globalisation
show examples
 and social media.

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task response
Make your main view more exact. You say you strongly disagree, but the essay does not clearly say that parents’ long work hours may still be one small cause. State that it is not the main cause, then explain why.
task response
Develop each main idea with a clear link to teen social problems. For example, explain how social media can lead to stress, poor self-image, or unsafe acts, and how this can cause problems at school or at home.
task response
Use one real or clear made-up example. For instance, describe a teen who sees rich and perfect lives online, feels unhappy, and then has trouble with friends or school.
task response
Be careful with broad claims such as “Parents have always worked.” Add a reason or example to show why this means long work hours alone cannot explain the rise in teen problems.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, three body parts, and an ending. However, the third body part is not fully linked to your main view. Explain more clearly how over-protective parents, rather than time away at work, cause teen problems.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words to show the path of your ideas: “First,” “Second,” “For example,” “As a result,” and “Therefore.” This will make the links between cause and result easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each body part. In the second body part, first explain early online access, then give its result. Do not move too fast from global life to social media to feelings without clear links.
coherence and cohesion
Make the ending match all body points. Sum up the two or three causes you gave, and repeat that these causes are more important than parents being away at work.
task response
You give a clear view from the start and keep the same main view in the ending.
task response
Your ideas about online life, social media, and changes in family life are relevant to teen social problems.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful links between ideas, such as “Nowadays,” “Moreover,” and “To sum up.”
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • social problems
  • teenagers
  • parental absence
  • work-life balance
  • parental guidance
  • peer influence
  • independence
  • community support
  • government initiatives
  • tackle
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