IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

In some countries, there are many social problems involving teenagers. This is because parents spend much of their time at work not at home. Do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
There is a common perspective that social problems of young people are caused by a lack of parenting in some states. It has been complained that parents focus on working rather than staying at home. Personally, I totally disagree with
this
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 view because I think it is irresponsible to only blame the parents without figuring out the real reason for the dilemma.
Body paragraph 1
Currently, social obstacles of teenagers have been noticed for a long time , and the reasons are various for each kind of problem.
For example
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, some students intend to bully their classmates in school in order to gain a sense of superiority. These inappropriate behaviours reflect that they were highly likely to be treated in the same way at home. These kinds of problems caused by terrible parenting should blame their family for sure. Because these behaviours would harm others without correction.
Body paragraph 2
However
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,
on the other hand
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, certain sorts of issues are not caused by bad parenting.
Instead
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, it might be a result of careless surroundings.
For instance
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, some young children become depressed because they were isolated by peers
due to
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 their uncommon selection.
This
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 is a systematic problem that needs to be prevented by the institution or the authority. Regulations and policies need to be discussed , and both parents and teachers should be involved to build a healthy system for the children.
Conclusion
In conclusion. I truly believe that certain social issues are caused by a lack of parental accompaniment, but not all of the problems can be blamed on them. It really depends on the initiative of the problem, which is super important to find the reason.

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task response
Make your main view more direct in the first paragraph. Say that you disagree because parents’ work is only one cause, not the main cause of all teen problems.
task response
Develop each main point more fully. In the first body paragraph, explain clearly how being treated badly at home may lead a child to bully others at school.
task response
Your second example is useful, but explain why this is a social problem and how schools or public bodies can help. This will make your answer more complete.
task response
Use the same focus throughout. The question is about parents spending time at work, but parts of the essay talk more generally about bad parenting. Link these ideas more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: introduction, two body paragraphs, and conclusion. Keep this plan, but make the link between each paragraph stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Start body paragraphs with clearer topic sentences. For example: “Parents’ absence can cause some problems, but it is not the only cause.”
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating words such as “problems,” “caused,” and “parenting” too often. Use simple changes such as “issues,” “lead to,” “family care,” or “home life.”
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the idea is not stated in a clear order. For example, change “These kinds of problems caused by terrible parenting should blame their family” to “In such cases, parents should take responsibility.”
coherence and cohesion
Check punctuation at the end. Use “In conclusion,” not “In conclusion.” Also remove extra spaces before commas and full stops.
task response
You give a clear overall view: parents may cause some teen problems, but they are not the only cause.
task response
You use relevant examples from school bullying and feeling left out by other students.
coherence and cohesion
The ideas are arranged in a logical order, with one paragraph about family influence and one about other causes.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion returns to your main point and gives the essay a clear ending.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • social problems
  • teenagers
  • parental absence
  • work-life balance
  • parental guidance
  • peer influence
  • independence
  • community support
  • government initiatives
  • tackle
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