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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that children are given too much free time. They feel that this time should be used to do more school work. How do you think children should spend their free time. Reason and examples….

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Introduction
Some people believe that
children
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 have too much free
time
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 and should use it to do more
school work
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schoolwork
. I think
children
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 should spend their free
time
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 on different
activities
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,
such
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 as playing sports, reading books, and spending
time
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 with their family.
Body paragraph 1
First,
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children
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 should do some physical
activities
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 in their free
time
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. Sports are good for their health and can help them become more active.
For example
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,
children
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 can play football, ride a bicycle, or go swimming after school. These
activities
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 can
also
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 help them relax after studying.
Body paragraph 2
Second,
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children
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 should spend
time
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 with their family and friends.
This
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 can help them develop good social skills and have a better relationship with other people.
For example
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, they can talk with their parents, play games with their friends, or go to a park together.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I believe
children
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 should not spend all their free
time
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 doing
school work
Correct your spelling
schoolwork
. They should have a balance between studying, physical
activities
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, and spending
time
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 with family and friends.

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task response
Give a clearer answer to the main question. Say how much free time children need and why more school work is not always best.
task response
Develop each main idea more. For sports, explain how health, sleep, and fun can help children do better at school.
task response
Add one idea about reading or a hobby, as this is in your first paragraph but not in the body. This will make your answer more complete.
task response
Use more real and clear examples. For example, say that a child who plays football for an hour may return to school work with more energy.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an end. Keep this simple plan in future essays.
coherence and cohesion
Link the first paragraph to the body more closely. You say children can read books, but the next parts do not talk about reading.
coherence and cohesion
Use a few more linking words to show cause and result, such as “because”, “so”, and “as a result”. Do not use too many.
coherence and cohesion
Make the last paragraph a little stronger by repeating your main view and the two or three key ways children can use free time.
task response
You give a clear view: children need time for more than school work.
task response
Your examples of football, cycling, swimming, family talk, and park visits fit the topic well.
coherence and cohesion
The order of ideas is easy to follow: health first, then family and friends, then a short ending.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph has one main idea, which helps the reader understand your writing.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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